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Caffiend 6/10/2008
June 10th, 2008 by Oskar Kennedy
I haven’t been writing about my battles with caffeine (and empty calories) lately because there hasn’t been anything to report. I’m sure a better writer could have made almost two weeks of nothing into something interesting. Maybe made a point about how mundane struggles and small, uninspiring moments eventually add up to a life story. If only I was one of those “talented” people you hear so much about.
Like I said, it was a whole lot of nothing. There weren’t any inspiring victories. I didn’t manage to climb a mountain, cure Cancer, or completely kick the soda habit. I cut down a good deal, but it wasn’t anybody’s idea of cold turkey. My poultry products were lukewarm at best.
Unfortunately (for narrative purposes, anyway), there also weren’t any dramatic reversals. I didn’t wake up in the doorway of an abandoned theater with an empty three-liter bottle of store brand cola jammed up my ass and a two day hole in my memory. I didn’t knock over a delivery truck, drive it out onto the desert and snort soda syrup until I induced diabetes. I had a couple of cans here and there, but I didn’t fall back into my old (two weeks ago) soda-drinkin’ ways.
Until yesterday.
A few days of hot, swampy Philadelphia weather, a noisy window air conditioner and some stress-related aches and pains conspired to keep me from sleeping very well. I survived all weekend on grape juice and water, but coming back to work on Monday was the (really badass) straw that took out a 10 pound sledgehammer and pulverized the camel’s spine. I fell off the wagon. Into a ravine. Where I promptly drowned in a river of high fructose corn syrup.
As we speak, I am draining the last drops of a fountain soda that I got with my routine sandwich. The neglected sweet sensors in my tongue are buzzing with excitement, as I’ve kept them at speed for about 24 hours now. I have to convince myself that this is a temporary setback, rather than proof that I’m too weak to change even this small facet of my (shallow as a pond in a drought) character.
Crap. I just realized that this actually is the most interesting thing happening in my brainpuddings right now. How sad.
Random Political Pun (in Haiku)
June 10th, 2008 by Oskar Kennedy
Could a well built door
at a sandwich shop be a
super deli gate?
Gullible School Officials + Psychic Babbling = Trouble For Ontario Mom
June 17th, 2008 by Oskar Kennedy
Colleen Leduc, of Barrie, Ontario is a single mother, raising an 11 year-old autistic daughter. She sends her daughter to public school, because that’s all she can afford.
On May 30th, she received a call from her daughter’s school, asking her to come in right away. When she got there, she was informed that there were suspicions that her daughter was being sexually abused.
“The teacher looked and me and said: ‘We have to tell you something. The educational assistant who works with Victoria went to see a psychic last night, and the psychic asked the educational assistant at that particular time if she works with a little girl by the name of “V.” And she said ‘yes, I do.’ And she said, ‘well, you need to know that that child is being sexually abused by a man between the ages of 23 and 26.’”
Based on this ridiculous cold reading trick, school officials called the Children’s Aid Society, which launched an investigation into the allegations.
Luckily, Leduc was able to satisfy CAS that the abuse was entirely imaginary.
[A] case worker came to the Leduc home to discuss the allegations of sexual misconduct, only to admit there wasn’t a shred of evidence that anything had ever happened at all. They labelled Leduc a “diligent” mother doing the best she could for her child under difficult circumstances, closed the file and left, calling the report “ridiculous.”
This, right here, is why belief in spooky mind powers isn’t harmless fun. These baseless allegations wasted the time and resources of the school, the CAS and most significantly of Colleen Leduc. She’s only lucky that the “psychic” didn’t blame her for the non-existent abuse. I hope that Ms. Leduc sues the crap out of the “psychic,” and every school official who was involved in perpetrating this farce.
PA House Fumbles Over Definition of “God”
June 19th, 2008 by Oskar Kennedy
A routine resolution to formally recognize a convention taking place in Harrisburg stalled because the group in question practices the wrong religion.
The 60th annual convention of the U.S. chapter of the Ahmadiyya Muslim Community is scheduled to take place in the state capital this weekend. Speaker Dennis O’Brien (R., Phila.) proposed the resolution for formal recognition by the House, noting the convention’s mission to “increase faith and harmony and introduce various humanitarian, social and religious services.”
Unfortunately, there was a slight problem with the whole “Muslim” thing. Rep. Daryl Metcalfe (R., The Crusades) objected. “The Muslims do not recognize Jesus Christ as God,” Mr. Metcalfe helpfully pointed out, “and I will be voting negative.”
After this impromptu lesson in comparative theology, Rep. Gordon Denlinger (R., Bigotry) tried to classy-up the debate by invoking September 11th.
“Certainly this nation went through an attack some years ago that is well-burned into the subconscious of our society,” he said. “What I sense on our floor today is that, for some people, this evokes very strong passion and emotion.”
You know what else evokes strong passion and emotion? Legislators who fail to grasp the basic principles of the Constitution. I’ll admit that I think the resolution itself is a bit of a time-waster; shouldn’t the approval of their god be enough to sustain them? But to squash the resolution because the subjects don’t worship the same god as you and your colleagues? You’ve in effect created a religious test for resolutions by a legislative body. And did you not notice that you’ve now said on the record that some portion of our state legislators hear the word “Muslim” and immediately think “terrorist?”
Thank you, Reps. Metcalfe and Denlinger for showing the world just how intolerant and prejudiced Pennsylvania politics can get, over something as silly as a pat on the back for a locally scheduled convention. It’s a proud day for all of us.
