Things I Deem Unnecessary: Pro-life (or pro-choice for that matter) bumper stickers.

I have never once looked at a Plymouth Voyager with an “It’s a child, not a choice!” sticker on it and thought to myself, “You know…maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I have the wrong opinion on this matter. I never thought of it THAT way!”

Even if I did change my mind, some pro-choice car would just roll by me the next day and change my opinion again. Don’t confuse me; I’m just trying to drive. (And hi, of course you’re pro-life, driving that big-ass clown car. You’ve probably got a litter in there. And by the way… it’s a CHOICE to HAVE the child, isn’t it? I do in fact support your CHOICE to breed like a frickin’ bunny. I’m also pro-life — I support your child’s right to life if you choose to have it. Knock yourself out. No, really, please, knock yourself out. Maybe you’ll stop spawning.)

I’m actually against bumper stickers of any kind, basically for the same reasons. It’s like George Carlin said: What would the other drivers do if not for my handy rear-bumper mobile library service?

I don’t understand it. I would like documentation of the times in history where an adhesive rectangle changed anyone’s opinion about abortion, about a political candidate…hell, even about a band. Can you imagine? “I have determined in my own brain that the Foo Fighters suck and I do not like them. But that Honda likes them, and that guy looks pretty hip. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I will also fight foo….”

Someone will probably tell me that the bumper sticker is not meant to change anyone’s mind, it is merely meant to turn their vehicle into a unique expression of what a special little snowflake they are. And to those people I say, “Screw you, this was a lot funnier before you ruined it with your logic.” Besides, if you’ve resorted to expressing yourself through the bumper of your car, you likely have bigger fish to fry than my little blog.

Michael Phelps is an amazing athlete. As of this writing, he’s won more medals, and more gold medals, than anyone in modern Olympic history. So far in the current games, he’s captured the gold medal in five straight events, all in world record times. He’s on track to set more world records, and has a good chance of beating Mark Spitz’s highest-ever total of seven gold medals in a single Olympics. Not incidentally, his competition is much, much faster than the swimmers that Spitz faced.

Phelps is the most accomplished swimmer ever. The accolades that he’s received surely, by now, outweigh the physical medals that he’ll be taking home. And he deserves all of them.

Except one. It’s ridiculous to call Phelps “the greatest Olympian ever,” just because he’s amassed more medals than anyone else.

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