I’d Like to Ruin TV for You: The Weekend

August 27th, 2008 by Waldorf Van Buren

There is so little substance and so much short-talented debris in the cesspool of Saturday and Sunday primetime that I could not give each day its own entry. I’m not feeling particularly funny this evening, as I’ve caught some sort of bug previewing the Fall season for you. It’s that or the fifth of Jack.

The rat network (ABC, owned by Disney), gives us college football on Saturday nights. I’m not as much of a football fan since I moved away from Buckeye territory (I lived less than a mile from the stadium, and High Street was always a drunken hoot), but I still prefer this over any other Saturday offering. Sunday’s schedule is the well-cultivated, yet trite, rundown of America’s Funniest Home Videos (America’s favorite piece of schadenfreude), the manipulatively heart-tugging and saccharine Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, the overdone yet half-baked Desperate Housewives (loved the first season, then I didn’t), and the angrily self-important Brothers & Sisters. Nothing new to see here, move along.

CBS gives us CSI:Reality with a double-dose of Crimetime Saturday followed up with a measure of 48 Hours. Sunday’s bloated fare includes the struggling-to-be-relevant 60 Minutes, followed by a bickering couple reality show – The Amazing Race, and Cold Case/The Unit double feature. Let’s see. . . No, an Amazing no, a Cold no, and hehe, you said “unit”, hehe. Nothing new to see here, move along.

The CW is easy for Saturday, it’s all local programming, so I have nothing to rant about. It’s like they gave up. I have an idea. Give us an hour of new Jericho, an hour of new Firefly episodes, and maybe get Joss Whedon to team with Warren Ellis on something that will make our eyeballs explode and brains bleed. Or hire me, I could create some killer stuff, even on YOUR budget.

On Sunday they give us a large blood splatter of new comedies(?). I have no idea about In Harm’s Way, but I’ve seen pictures of choppers over choppy seas rescuing guys with mutton chops. I think. So I assume it’s a half-hour sitcom revolving around a wild and wacky search and rescue team that gives new meaning to climbing the copter. Surviving Suburbia is a comedy(?) with Bob Saget. I haven’t found a description, but I found a pic of him holding a limp hose, so I assume he’s a foul-mouthed father of three girls living with two “friends” while dealing with issues of erectile dysfunction. Valentine seemingly rips off Gods Behaving Badly, but I assume again. It is an hour comedy(?) revolving around a family of Greek gods who bring soulmates together, while keeping their true identities a secret. (Okay, I’ve only gotten through three chapters of Gods, but from what I’ve read, it can’t possibly be the same as this show. The book is funny.) Easy Money is a comedy(?) about loan sharks featuring Naomi from Lost, Laurie Metcalf, and an experimental Kathy Griffin android gone awry.

Fox Saturdays gives us Cops, more Cops, and America’s Most Wanted. No surprises. Cops chasing down the naked, the criminal, and the drunk – sometimes all grouped as one segment. Sunday they rundown what happened in the NFL with The OT, followed by The Simpsons, King of the Hill, Family Guy, and American Dad. It’s 27% watchable with 13% funny! (As opposed to my writing, which is 10% readable and .5% funny – go ahead and debate me, you’ll lose due to my uncanny ability to ignore douchebags)

Really, The Simpsons is mostly funny, but it’s not fifth season funny. I still watch it and I still laugh but I no longer obsessively “tape” all of the episodes or quote the latest Homerism (but I got a buttload of D’oh’s!). King of the Hill. . . damn, I don’t think I’ve actually watched a “new” episode in a year or two, but I give them credit for hanging on in the FOX environment. Family Guy and its clone, American Dad, could be funny if they were less beat-the-joke-to-death and more stop-animation-tomfoolery like Robot Chicken. Family Guy regularly pushes the envelope, and I agree that there are some painfully gut-wrenching, guffawable moments, but like a Judd Apatow film, the joke extends twenty minutes too long. American Dad is the same as Family Guy, only I think it might be a drama, because I couldn’t find a nuance of comedy in any frame. I am being unfair, I admit, but it’s only because the CW annoys me so. Nothing new to see here, move along.

NBC Saturday gives us Dateline: NBC, which is its apology for Matt Lauer and Kathi Lee in the morning all week. It’s an attempt at staying relevant in the 24-hours yada yada of news. After that, the programming execs drew a blank and filled in a slot with a repeat of the Hoffless Knight Rider, as they did last year with Bionic Woman (also Hoffless), to astoundingly stellar results. The creative geniuses give us another helping of the bland chung-chung that is Law and Order:SVU. Goddamit, there is nothing new to see here either. Move along.

Where do we go from here? (Joss, I listen to “Once More with Feeling” regularly, and I’m man enough to admit it – you’re a genius) We go to two more places before I may rest in peace. Cable and mid-season replacements. They are much better than the bland network fare and still less self-important and bloated than Suburban Panic.

spread the panic!
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This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 27th, 2008 at 8:25 am and is filed under Media. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.


Discussion (16)¬

  1. delana201 says:
    August 27, 2008 at 1:27 pm

    Right on with the hour of new Jericho. Put that on anywhere, anytime and I’ll find a way to watch it. Agree with the rest of your analysis. Might just as well turn the networks off – there’s nothing to watch there. Enjoy your humor, though.

  2. mpbnice says:
    August 27, 2008 at 2:37 pm

    It’s amazing that they can show all that ho-hum TV and cancel a great show like Jericho. I guess that’s why I’m not in programming.

  3. Oskar Kennedy says:
    August 27, 2008 at 5:53 pm

    Somebody got noticed on CBS’ Jericho message board. =)

  4. NightShade says:
    August 27, 2008 at 7:52 pm

    Braindead TV, oh boy! Well, they through out yet another good series like Jericho so what else can I expect but more “cookie cutter” entertainment. Well, I’ll be on cable watching anything but CSI and reality TV clones!

  5. Waldorf Van Buren says:
    August 27, 2008 at 9:50 pm

    Delana: Thanks! I think Jericho really got shafted twice and while it wasn’t ratings gold, it could surely find footing on a network that has no direction, much like The CW. It’s just a non-performer in the CSI world.

    MPBNICE: Jericho doesn’t appeal to the LCD that Survivor does, so it gets thrown in the crapper.

    Oskar: Sometimes I know what I’m doing.

    NightShade: I’ll be skewering Cable soon, but you’re right on about the cookie cutter entertainment. Jericho was a pretty decent show that, like most decent shows, eventually get the axe because it doesn’t make enough money for the network. Just my 1.5 cents.

  6. curlybean says:
    August 28, 2008 at 2:42 am

    You are so right. It’s pretty depressing to turn on the TV right now. Nothing but reality shows, CSI clones and Barack Obama. What a wondrous day it would be if someone would bring back Jericho….

  7. Waldorf Van Buren says:
    August 28, 2008 at 10:04 am

    curlybean: “Right now” is a continuation of the deserted playground of television, meaning it’s still in a holding pattern from the Writers strike. At least that’s the way it seems. Summer TV has never been particularly good, and this summer has had the semi-good Olympics followed up with two bland political conventions. Fall will be upon us and we’ll have one or two shows to look forward through while suffering through the dregs of entertainment.

  8. georgian101 says:
    August 28, 2008 at 7:07 pm

    I just wanted to let you know that I really miss Jericho as well as Firefly. These two shows really got the shaft. Both are well writen stories with a great cast. Both of them were truly a bright light in a sea of mediocre and cloned programming. I can say that I am truly disgusted with network programming. When Jericho first aired it my return to one of the three original networks. Could not tell you the last time I watched anything from ABC and NBC the last thing I can remember that I watched was Miami Vice and Night Court. The last time I watched any programming from CBS was 1992. Fox and Cable came on around that time and I fled the original three. I look for something that is original, different, and out side the box!!! That is why I stuck with Fox for a long time as well as the SCI FI channel as far as shows. But after how they handled Dark Angel and FireFly I had not watched them for a couple of years. Just recently I tuned in On Sarah Conner Chronicles( Terminator Fan) and was pleased and the only other Fall show I am looking foward to is Fringe. I also have a lot of friends who watch FX. The problem with all of them is they DO NOT ALLOW shows like the above for mention to develop!!! All I can say is that number 1 this time it really left a sour taste and 2 I will not be back for a longtime it lasted 14 years for CBS before I returned. The originally three need to realize that times have changed and that they are not the only game in town.

  9. georgian101 says:
    August 28, 2008 at 7:08 pm

    ps do not know why it posted my comment twice sorry about that

  10. Oskar Kennedy says:
    August 28, 2008 at 8:13 pm

    No worries, georgian101. Admin powers activated.

  11. georgian101 says:
    August 29, 2008 at 8:22 am

    Thanks mr admin. Have a great day and a safe on wonderful Labor Day Weekend

  12. Waldorf Van Buren says:
    August 29, 2008 at 12:22 pm

    Georgian101: I, too miss Cap’n Tightpants as well as the b-list Johnny Depp (Skeet!). It would be nice to see the two shows reappear on a Cable network where they can be high quality without the pressures of network. . . pressure.

    While the nets tend to serve the broad base, the cable channels only have to worry about appealing to their niche. Methinks Battlestar Galactica would have been canceled after episode three if it aired on NBC instead of Sci-Fi.

  13. georgian101 says:
    August 29, 2008 at 11:06 pm

    Thank you for taking the time to respond to my comment Waldorf Van Buren. You are probably right about BSG. The wild thing I feel is a I know many people including myself since invention of the remote control they never watch the commericals. Sometimes if I am up to it (other than when shows like Jericho and Firefly are and were on) sometimes I will watch two shows. Never did that when they were on because they trully have and had substance. The other thing I must mention is when I watch at least for me they must have some sort of integrity to them. For example I watched on TCM the movie Big Country. Love it. Truly a classic because everything that is brought up in that movie still applies to today. Not that people have those values and morals but it still holds up. When I watched it so hard for me to believe that it was made in 1958. 50 years later still as good as the first time I saw as a little girl. Again thank you for your comment!!!

  14. georgian101 says:
    August 29, 2008 at 11:07 pm

    dog gone it did it sorry

  15. georgian101 says:
    August 29, 2008 at 11:08 pm

    ps Mr. Van Buren Have a safe and wonderful Labor day weekend!

  16. Waldorf Van Buren says:
    August 30, 2008 at 9:40 am

    georgian101: Not to worry about double posts, our trusted and faithful admin will get rid of the carbon copy as soon as he gets to it. As for me, I try to reply to all comments as soon as possible. It’s nice to read comments, good and bad. And please don’t call me Mr. Van Buren, that’s the 8th President of the United States.