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An Open Letter to the Editor

September 2nd, 2008 by Janice Jackson

I don‘t know if any of you remember me. A while ago I was an investigative journalist for Suburban Panic. You know, back a few years ago, when it had standards? After breaking stories on the pharmaceutical companies, the myth of “Canada“, and the true identity of the Grimace, I retired. Or rather, I was asked to leave.

By court order.

It was an unfortunate situation. The editor said some things he didn’t mean, I said some things I did. You know how it breaks down.

Even though I was gone, chased from the light of all the glorious truth I had spread from my little stronghold of honest reporting, I did not despair! I did not disappear! No! I did not surrender, turn to the darkness and face the night alone. I have been sitting and waiting. Reading Suburban Panic and… crying. Crying tears of shame and horror. After forcing myself to peruse this site and bear witness to the monstrosity it has become, I have come to a clear and absolute conclusion.

This site desperately needs me back.

Some slack-jawed, “reason” obsessed “logic” whore who’d rather sit in a closet and jerk off to the newest edition of [put name of Actual Skeptical Magazine here, please] than open his eyes to the reality surrounding him, has taken control of this once engaging and interesting forum. He has steered it away from its original purpose, and has substituted blatant hurtful lies for the truth I once spent whole hours researching. He’s gone for dry, boring sarcasm, instead of the delightful humor I sought to instill.

What I’m really trying to say is simple.

This site sucks.

No one is writing with dedication or concern for the people en mass. No one seems to be concerned with the massive governmental cover-ups, mistruths, and conspiracies which abound in our society! If anything, the so called “contributors” are perpetrating the lies! Quite frankly, when I’m interested in finding an honest, well researched perspective about, well, anything, I don’t look to Suburban Panic. If I did, my eyes would burst from my skull in frustration, followed shortly by my brain, which would run out my ears in a desperate attempt to flee from the anger and betrayal.

And who is to blame?

What kind of monster could be responsible for such a low blow to science and truth? Well, it causes me great pains to say this but the man responsible for such crimes against humanity is none other than the the man I did not marry.

Oskar Kennedy.

I am shamed and shocked by the changes my ex-boss (and the man who is not my husband) has made on this site. The man who I remember as a conscientious observer, a noble, truth seeking individual, has spiraled into a frame of mind I find disgraceful. It is my duty as a fellow human being, and – most importantly – as an American, to delve into the depths of what is really going on this world.

So I am issuing a challenge. I dare the Editor to publish my new series of investigative articles. You know what? I’ll take it one step further. I will triple-dog-dare Mr. Kennedy to post this letter, and my following piece entitled “Bigfoot: Not That Hard to Find,” and allow the great people of this country to decide once and for all, do they want to read crap that no one cares about or do they want to read insightful and thoughtful articles which illuminate what is really going on in their world?

AND I CAN NOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH. OSKAR KENNEDY IS NOT MY HUSBAND.

spread the panic!