Archive for September 3rd, 2008


A Note About Newborns

September 3rd, 2008 by Oskar Kennedy

Here’s something about babies that nobody bothered to mention. Newborns have to grow into their heads.

My sister recently gave birth to her first child, a little girl who, hopefully, will be supplying our impending little one with hand-me-downs until they’re both in college. Because I am a dutiful (if not necessarily enthusiastic) brother, I packed my wife in the car and drove down to see the new baby the day she and her exhausted but happy parents came home from the hospital.

Because she is my niece she is, of course, as cute as a button on the belly of a baby panda. She’s got a bit of the squinty, jowly, miniature-old-man look that all newborns have, but she’s tiny and soft and she wriggles and makes little grunty, gurgly squawks that will be charming as all hell until the first time she gets colic.

I’ve never held a freshly minted human before, and it was quite pleasant. But I wasn’t at all prepared for the thing that she did with her face.

Rather, I wasn’t prepared for the thing she didn’t do with her face, which was move it with the rest of her head. I was reclined slightly on the couch, and she was lying with her head on my chest. She turned her head in response to some sound or another, but her face stayed in place. All the internal parts – skull, nose, eyes, jaws – turned where she wanted to look, but the pressure of her head against my chest kept the soft parts – eye sockets, lips, skin – from moving. She looked like a Shar Pei being dragged around by the cheek.

I really didn’t mean to mention this phenomenon to anyone, because saying “hey, your baby is cute, and OH MY GOD WHAT’S WRONG WITH HER FACE?” is too blunt for even my limited grasp of tact. But I made mention of how soft her newborn skin was, and we sort of got off on a tangent that ended with me wondering out loud how many of them we’d need to make a nice comfy bathrobe.

I am a terrible person.

spread the panic!
[Ask] [Bloglines] [del.icio.us] [Digg] [Facebook] [Fark] [Google] [Mixx] [MySpace] [Newsvine] [Reddit] [Slashdot] [Sphere] [StumbleUpon] [Technorati] [Twitter] [Windows Live] [Yahoo!] [Email] More »
└ Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Apostastic! Part 2: For The Bible Tells Me So

September 3rd, 2008 by Oskar Kennedy

My Methodist upbringing mostly lacked the dramatic elements of more demonstrative religions. The only parts of it that were at all compelling were the bits that came out of the bible.

The Christian Bible has, for all its faults, some pretty good stories, especially for a young boy. Natural disasters, bloody battles, amazing miracles, even some naughtysexiness. And it’s written in such an archaic manner (or translated so inaccurately, depending on the version) that the constant slavery, rape and infanticide are hardly noticeable.

Even for adults, there are some valuable fables and parables. Many portions of the text, especially in the New Testament, contain sound moral and ethical lessons. I wouldn’t look for advice on gender equality or race relations, but if you’ve been hit by a car and you’re bleeding out at the bottom of a drainage ditch? Well, there’s a reason why someone who stops to help is called a Good Samaritan.

(more…)

spread the panic!
[Ask] [Bloglines] [del.icio.us] [Digg] [Facebook] [Fark] [Google] [Mixx] [MySpace] [Newsvine] [Reddit] [Slashdot] [Sphere] [StumbleUpon] [Technorati] [Twitter] [Windows Live] [Yahoo!] [Email] More »
└ Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Did You Know…

September 3rd, 2008 by Scooter Grant

that didgeridoos are off-limits to women? Well, I didn’t, until I read that the Australian edition of The Daring Book for Girls (co-written by a pal of mine) gives instructions for playing a didgeridoo, and now some of the more traditional Aboriginal leader types have gotten their panties in a twist ’cause they say the didgeridoo is a boys-only toy.

In fact, they bellow, a woman who touches a didgeridoo risks permanent infertility!

dont try this at home if you want your womb to be fruitful

don't try this at home if you want your womb to be fruitful

I would insert a deplorably sexist comment here about a well-known pregnant 17-year-old currently in the news, and how maybe we should integrate didgeridoo lessons into abstinence curricula, at least in Alaska. Instead, I’ll merely speculate on the economics of investing in a didgeridoo and lessons versus my lifetime expenditure on condoms and the Pill. How long or frequently do I have to touch a didgeridoo to permanently knock my ovaries out of commission? Considering the leaders’ over-the-top reaction to the publication of the Daring Book for Girls book in Australia, apparently a single lesson on a borrowed instrument would suffice.

Anyway, I found a reference to an ethnomusicologist who says that tradition never kept girls from playing the didgeridoo informally

But I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to interfere with a threat to my having more children. I’m signing up for didgeridoo lessons ASAP as ASCAP.

spread the panic!
[Ask] [Bloglines] [del.icio.us] [Digg] [Facebook] [Fark] [Google] [Mixx] [MySpace] [Newsvine] [Reddit] [Slashdot] [Sphere] [StumbleUpon] [Technorati] [Twitter] [Windows Live] [Yahoo!] [Email] More »
└ Tags: , , , , ,