Archive for September 12th, 2008


NSFW Comics for NSFW Times.

NSFW Comics for NSFW Times.

September 12th, 2008

NASA spins proof of alien life on Mars, calling it “ice”

September 12th, 2008 by Scooter Grant

Ninety-seven Martian days after landing, the Phoenix Mars Lander is growing “clumps.” NASA says that it’s probably frozen condensation on the north surface of the leg struts. The scientists explain away the mysterious alien growth by concluding, with no evidence whatsoever, that because “condensation favors colder surfaces,” ambient humidity is condensing onto the struts like so much sweat on a bottle of Coca-Cola and then freezing into ever-embiggening chunks of ice.

Don’t you believe it!

What grows on the north side of things is lichen and moss and fungus. In other words — send in the pigs. There’s truffles in them thar hills!

photographic evidence of fungal alien life on Mars, which is not Earth, which makes the life alien, and tasty since it's fungal

photographic evidence of fungal alien life on Mars, which is not Earth, which makes the life alien, and tasty since it's fungal -- see top left corner of photo

I heard that there’s a truffle scarcity in Europe because of suburban sprawl. Imagine the money the government can make! Imagine the number of mega-corporations they can bail out! Imagine the number of new wars they can start!

I’m telling you, NASA is calling the clumps “condensation” and “ice” for a reason, and the reason is that they’re cornering the market on truffle oil.

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Kill This Trend

September 12th, 2008 by Waldorf Van Buren

I’ve compiled a list of trends and ideas that just need to go away. It will be good for television, good for individuals, and good for society in general. This list is just meant for trends in current media. I have a “no more” list for current trends in society as well, but there were so many for media I had to make a separate list.

  1. No more Highlander sequels, television shows, comic books, radio shows, etc. There can be only one? Prove it.
  2. No more reality shows. These people are as real as a stripper’s boobs or a politician’s smile. Documentary shows and cinema verité are fine art forms that catch real life in action. Reality shows, however, just exploit the greedy, the stupid, and the false. Normally I’d be okay with that exploitation, but when it gets in the way of “quality” programming (like Jericho, Firefly… but you’ve heard that rant before) I get a little angry.
  3. No more news anchors telling me what I should think. I have a wife, a church, and a family to do that for me.
  4. No more fearmongering! You read? Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, yada yada yada. If you don’t stop, I’m sure an asteroid will hit us, God® shall smite us, the LHC will poof us out of existence, and the Democrats will let another terrorist attack happen. You’d better be prepared.
  5. No more American Idol. I have no words other than “Shit Sandwich.”
  6. No more Toby Keith. A moratorium on all things Toby Keith should commence immediately, and last until further notice.
  7. No more Paris Hilton. Ever. Well, maybe, but I have secret, wet and naked on top of me conditions.
  8. No more legislation of morality. Puritania(!) has been dead for a long while. Let it stay dead.

Editor’s Note: We cannot be held responsible for any sex tapes, STDs or bad mental images that result from exposure to Paris Hilton.

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I’m Not Sure

September 12th, 2008 by Oskar Kennedy

I think I might be writing a book.

Is there any way to know for sure?

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