Archive for September 19th, 2008


Southern Evangelical Christians are Largely Pro-Torture

September 19th, 2008 by Scooter Grant

USAToday printed a summary of recent poll findings that shows that a majority of Southern evangelical Christians support torture. And reminding them of the Golden Rule doesn’t necessarily change their mind:

[Fifty-seven percent] of respondents said torture can be often or sometimes justified to gain important information from suspected terrorists. Thirty-eight percent said it was never or rarely justified.

But when asked if they agree that “the U.S. government should not use methods against our enemies that we would not want used on American soldiers,” the percentage who said torture was rarely or never justified rose to 52%.

That’s barely more than half, people.

Someone please explain to me where a Christian gets the idea that any torture is OK. The poll respondents here were answering from some mindset or frame of reference that ignores the teachings of Jesus in the New Testament, the origins in the Old Testament of what Jesus was talking about, and the fundamental tenets of just about any world religion, ancient or modern.

That which is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow. That is the whole Torah; the rest is the explanation; go and learn. — Hillel

So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. — Jesus in Matthew 7:12; similar statements in two places in Luke, including the parable of the Good Samaritan

You know who has railed against the Golden Rule? Noted atheists (or, at least, non-evangelical Christians) Bertrand Russell and George Bernard Shaw.

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Talk Like A Pirate

September 19th, 2008 by Oskar Kennedy

Today is International “Talk Like A (completely made-up by Hollywood) Pirate” Day. I think we should have more days that celebrate humans who prey on other humans. Cruelty is the most awesome part of history, after all. Here is my proposed list of new holidays that romanticize historic predators.

 

  • Talk Like A Spartan Day: Threaten to leave your kids out in the snow. Teach them that dying in their beds is weak and dishonorable. Encourage them to stab their classmates.
  • Talk Like A Mongol Day: Declare the supremacy of the Khan. Brag about conquering most of Asia. Joke about the proper order of the following: pillaging, raping, burning. Glare balefully at any large walls that get in your way.
  • Talk Like A Crusader Day: Publicly proclaim your love for the Holy Land. Declare the inferiority of Muslims, and threaten to kill them in the name of Jesus.
  • Talk Like A Nazi Day: Call the police on your Jewish neighbors. Goose-step to work, while declaring the genetic inferiority of Jews, Gypsies, Homosexuals and Brunettes. Refuse to say the word “Poland.”
  • Talk Like An Ottoman Turk Day: Engage in lengthy debates about the definition of “genocide.” Threaten to arrest anyone who disagrees with you.
  • Talk Like A Hutu Day: Go on the radio and encourage your neighbors to kill any Tutsis that they find. Discuss the merits of machetes versus rape and beating.
  • Talk Like A Slave-Owner Day: Dust off those unfashionable racial slurs and verbally recreate the antebellum South. For added historical fun, Talk Like A Slave Owner Day ends after dinner, except in America, where it lasts until bedtime.
If you have any ideas for holidays that celebrate the grammar and vocabulary of brutality, feel free to leave them in the comments.
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(Depressing) Thought For The Day

September 19th, 2008 by Oskar Kennedy

The Dow Jones is crashing so badly that the index is replacing AIG with Kraft Foods. The housing market is tanking so hard that record foreclosures, multi-billion-dollar bailouts and collapsing banks have become daily news. The economy is so bad, everybody was surprised that United Airlines didn’t declare bankruptcy.

Being too poor to own stocks or a house finally doesn’t feel so terrible. At least we’re not losing what little money we have. Our coin jar is safe from everything but inflation.

Aw, crap.

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I Thought Of Some More

September 19th, 2008 by Oskar Kennedy

As every website I read – excepting Warren Ellis.com – is boarded and pillaged by syntax-wielding eyepatch fetishists, I’ve thought up some more holidays to honor shady characters that prey on their fellow human beings. 

  • Talk Like Sylvia Browne Day: It’s all about cold reading everyone you talk to. Make vague statements and generalized predictions, focus on hits and ignore misses. And be sure to relieve everyone you meet of money that would be much better spent on therapy. (It also helps if you smoke four packs a day until the holiday starts.)
  • Talk Like Kevin Trudeau Day: Take a bunch of quack cures and useless “traditional” remedies, add a dash of rebellion against scientific medicine, and blatant lies about the efficacy of your treatments. Be sure to relieve everyone you meet of money that would be better spent on [surgery, chemotherapy, aspirin].
  • Talk Like Ted Haggard Day: This one is a little tricky. In public, rail against sin and fornication, and support legislation that takes away the civil rights of homosexuals. In private, talk about how much you love crystal meth and gay sex. Relieve your publicly pious friends of their money, and give it to drug dealers and homosexual prostitutes.
  • Talk Like L. Ron Hubbard Day: Begin by telling mediocre, overwrought science fiction/fantasy stories. When people start to lose interest, tell them you’ve discovered the secrets to perfect mental health and wellbeing, which are conveniently stratified like the rules of a secret society. Relieve everyone who asks to know your secrets of money that would be better spent not being indoctrinated into a crazy cult.
Please see also my original list of alternatives to “Talk Like A Pirate Day.”
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