Archive for October 7th, 2008


20 Questions for The Undecider

October 7th, 2008 by Oskar Kennedy

Poll after poll tells us that a good chunk of voters in this country are still “undecided.” To those of us who pay any attention to politics at all, the differences between the candidates seem to be eye-stabbingly huge. It’s hard to fathom how anyone could have a difficult time picking one or the other. If you’re one of those undecided voters, here are a few questions that might help direct your thoughts on your choice for president.

  1. What’s your problem?
  2. Are you now, or have you ever been, so high that you’ve eaten 83 cents worth of change from out of your sofa before realizing that it wasn’t old bits of corn chips?
  3. Have you ever been diagnosed with a congenital brain defect?
  4. If you don’t drink large quantities of alcohol for an entire day, do the shakes and hallucinations disable you for longer than a few hours?
  5. Do you suffer from a clinical inability to distinguish between two things that are different in almost every meaningful way?
  6. Are you an infant?
  7. Seriously, though. What the hell is your problem?
  8. If given a map and a flashlight, can you locate your own anus?
  9. If you are able to pinpoint your anus, can you distinguish it from a hole in the ground?
  10. Are you only able to choose because your head is jammed firmly into one of your options?
  11. Are you so lonely and socially inept that you’ll pretend to be undecided, just so a telephone pollster will talk to you for a few minutes?
  12. Are you just messin’ with me?
  13. Your problem. What exactly is it?
  14. Do you suffer from a crippling inability to defecate, combined with anxiety-induced paralysis that renders you unable to rise from the commode?
  15. Would it help if I said you were the bestest, smartest voter ever, and your choice is right no matter who you pick?
  16. OMG. WTF?
  17. Does the “One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other” segment on Sesame Street leave you confused for days at a time?
  18. Are you holding out for Spider-man as a viable third-party candidate?
  19. Are you worried that a choice which seems so obvious might be a trap?
  20. What is a suitable criminal penalty for a woman who chooses to terminate a rape-induced pregnancy? Should she go to jail, or would a fine be more appropriate?

Hopefully these questions will help you to organize your thoughts about the major party candidates, and break the log jam that seems to have accumulated in your brain. Remember, you can vote for whoever you want on November 4th. Even Spider-man. Unless you haven’t gotten around to registering. In that case you’re worthless, and should consider recycling yourself. Happy voting!

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Sarah Palin Is:

October 7th, 2008 by Oskar Kennedy

Mayor McCheese. 

Thank astronauts, Jeffrey Rowland is on the case.

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I’ll See Your Question, And Raise You A Completely Unrelated Answer

October 7th, 2008 by Oskar Kennedy

If you get a little bit of nerd wood when someone assembles data into a useful form, I have a link you’re going to love. Izzibeth of Nicest Girl & Destroyer of Planets managed to stay awake during the soporific snorefest that was the Vice Presidential debate. She then compiled a handy chart of the questions, and whether each candidate bothered to answer them. (Hint: one of the candidates is in the “No” column a lot more than the other.)

It’s a pretty revealing look at the horrible, black innards of political debates, which are all about skillfully avoiding the question without sounding like an entire box of tools. In this respect, I disagree with some bits of the chart. I think, on some questions, Biden rambled just as far afield as Palin, but he was smoother about it.

I love seeing it all laid out so neatly. Go take a look, and help me convince her to make similar charts for the rest of the Presidential debates.

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