‹ Previous
Next ›

20 Questions for The Undecider

October 7th, 2008 by Oskar Kennedy

Poll after poll tells us that a good chunk of voters in this country are still “undecided.” To those of us who pay any attention to politics at all, the differences between the candidates seem to be eye-stabbingly huge. It’s hard to fathom how anyone could have a difficult time picking one or the other. If you’re one of those undecided voters, here are a few questions that might help direct your thoughts on your choice for president.

  1. What’s your problem?
  2. Are you now, or have you ever been, so high that you’ve eaten 83 cents worth of change from out of your sofa before realizing that it wasn’t old bits of corn chips?
  3. Have you ever been diagnosed with a congenital brain defect?
  4. If you don’t drink large quantities of alcohol for an entire day, do the shakes and hallucinations disable you for longer than a few hours?
  5. Do you suffer from a clinical inability to distinguish between two things that are different in almost every meaningful way?
  6. Are you an infant?
  7. Seriously, though. What the hell is your problem?
  8. If given a map and a flashlight, can you locate your own anus?
  9. If you are able to pinpoint your anus, can you distinguish it from a hole in the ground?
  10. Are you only able to choose because your head is jammed firmly into one of your options?
  11. Are you so lonely and socially inept that you’ll pretend to be undecided, just so a telephone pollster will talk to you for a few minutes?
  12. Are you just messin’ with me?
  13. Your problem. What exactly is it?
  14. Do you suffer from a crippling inability to defecate, combined with anxiety-induced paralysis that renders you unable to rise from the commode?
  15. Would it help if I said you were the bestest, smartest voter ever, and your choice is right no matter who you pick?
  16. OMG. WTF?
  17. Does the “One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other” segment on Sesame Street leave you confused for days at a time?
  18. Are you holding out for Spider-man as a viable third-party candidate?
  19. Are you worried that a choice which seems so obvious might be a trap?
  20. What is a suitable criminal penalty for a woman who chooses to terminate a rape-induced pregnancy? Should she go to jail, or would a fine be more appropriate?

Hopefully these questions will help you to organize your thoughts about the major party candidates, and break the log jam that seems to have accumulated in your brain. Remember, you can vote for whoever you want on November 4th. Even Spider-man. Unless you haven’t gotten around to registering. In that case you’re worthless, and should consider recycling yourself. Happy voting!

spread the panic!
[Ask] [Bloglines] [del.icio.us] [Digg] [Facebook] [Fark] [Google] [Mixx] [MySpace] [Newsvine] [Reddit] [Slashdot] [Sphere] [StumbleUpon] [Technorati] [Twitter] [Windows Live] [Yahoo!] [Email] More »

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

This entry was posted on Tuesday, October 7th, 2008 at 9:45 am and is filed under Panic!. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.


Discussion (11)¬

  1. Camilla Carter says:
    October 7, 2008 at 10:16 am

    On last night’s Daily Show, John Oliver asked some Republican committee person if, when Sarah Palin and Co. were done raping the land for oil, if the land would have to pay for its own rape kit. It was the best thing I’ve ever seen.

  2. Waldorf Van Buren says:
    October 7, 2008 at 10:38 am

    @Camilla Carter – It was funny. Darkly, horribly funny. Much like the years 2001-present.

  3. Camilla Carter says:
    October 7, 2008 at 11:14 am

    @Oskar Kennedy – Probably need all the proof you can get.

  4. Izzibeth says:
    October 7, 2008 at 2:33 pm

    Your post sums up exactly how I feel about the “undecided” voters. Where the eff have they been for the past year (more specifically the past 4 weeks)?

  5. Oskar Kennedy says:
    October 7, 2008 at 2:47 pm

    Originally Posted By Izzibeth
    Where the eff have they been for the past year (more specifically the past 4 weeks)?

    I had a half-dozen other questions in mind, but they were all variations on that, so I dropped them.

  6. Camilla Carter says:
    October 7, 2008 at 2:06 pm

    I don’t think so, but I remember the George Carlin bit about Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd, so as a woman, I maintain that it can. Plus, child molesters getting raped in prison? Fucking hilarious, IMHO.

  7. Camilla Carter says:
    October 7, 2008 at 3:18 pm

    @Oskar Kennedy –

    Pssh. Even I knew about the rape trail and I was a commuter. But I could see how it might not be the best PR for the university. And if Venue was about anything, it was about making Rowan look good…… oh, wait….