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Waldorf’s Week in Review: Battleground States Edition

October 28th, 2008 by Waldorf Van Buren

So there really isn’t anything going on here that’s based on any news I read, saw, heard, or dreamt about over the last eight or so days (well, maybe TWO items). I was really pumped up about going to visit my old stomping grounds in southeastern Ohio. There is so much hoopla and static over the airwaves concerning the two battleground states of Pennsylvania and Ohio that I was sure I would see some sort of action “on the ground” as a I spent a weekend of driving and visiting far-flung and exotic locales.

(- – - -) Shared negatives to me and Mapquest. Mapquest, you and your internet gnomes/gnerds are the biggest pile of dirty old douches I have ever encountered in my life. I am only second to your putrid pile for believing in you and your newfangled internet ways. Instead of trusting myself to drive the route I did for so many years, so many years ago, I decided to let the power of the internets guide my car. I am a douche, but not as much as the douchebags at Mapquest. I suggest Yahoo! Maps, an actual paper atlas, or navigating by using the stars and a sextant rather than putting up with the false information of MapQuest.

(- -) I expected to be greeted by John McCain and/or Barack Obama when crossing over the state line from NJ to PA. Maybe they’d be working a toll booth to give us some “change” (rim shot please. Anyone? Crumbly crap on a stick.) but neither were present to show a pandering smile or painful grimace (I leave it to you to decide who is who). They probably noticed my NJ license plates and heartily ignored me, knowing my vote won’t matter since I’m from the Garden state.

(- -) The Pennsylvania Turnpike is a desolate, unforgiving, cruel piece of work. As my car munched tar for miles and miles, the repetition of speeding past chunks of land only to be interrupted a few times by plunging into dark holes in the sides of several mountains gave me a deep insight into the voting public’s mind. The trip across PA was really a metaphor for eight years of GWB. Pittsburgh never looked so damn good as when I realized I was almost done with the turnpike.

(-) The smell of manure in Lancaster county. I wasn’t sure if it was the mushroom farms or the Presidential Candidates spreading “Talking Points” to Zeke and Abraham.

(- – - – -) To Harrisburg. You suck. Your drivers suck. Your roadways suck. Your traffic patterns suck. Thanks for sucking away two hours of my life, you suckity suck city.

(-) Upon leaving PA I was not held by the hand by either Presidential Candidate. I felt it was their obligation to escort me from one battleground state to another, but I didn’t get so much as a feeble hand-job. I must say, though, to be out of PA and into OH was prize enough, hence only one negative.

(-) The stretch of road between Cleveland and Southeastern Ohio (across from Parkersburg, West Virginia). You make the PA Turnpike look like a long vacation to an exotic locale. At least most of the roads were free.

(- – -) Not one meet and greet with the Presidential Candidates while roaming the eastern coast of Ohio. From all of the talk that’s been going on by pundits, I was sure I’d have rear-ended at least ONE motorcade.

(+) Points for Obama. He is clearly winning the roadside roadsign race in PA AND Ohio. Kudos for lavishly “decorating” the countryside, especially by the “Jesus Loves You” sign off of Rte 77 and the Adult Bookstore so well lit that it can be seen from space.

(+) Points for McCain. He is clearly winning the bumper stickers on gas-guzzlers race. The entire trip Obama was clearly behind 3-1 on bumper stickers. Though I suppose the Prius drivers wouldn’t want to muss up their precious little bumpers.

(+ +) Points to the Pittsburgh Steeler radio network. Thanks guys. You aren’t very good commentators, but you at least let me listen to almost half of the game while driving back through Western Pennsylvania. It sure beat counting dead deer.

(+ +) To the Cleveland area. Wow. From what I saw, very VERY pro-Obama. And nicely manicured lawns. How do you do that with such hostile Lake Effect weather? I have temperate weather and my lawn is a cross between a dirt bike track and forboding fairie underbrush. I MUST know your secrets.

(+ +) To the city at the junction of the Ohio and Muskingham rivers. Very pro-Obama as well. Not sure if McCain voters are scarce or afraid to put out signs. Obama signage clearly outnumbered McCain 53 to 0.5.

(-) To the McCain supporter who lightly carved a ‘B’ in her own cheek, and told a false story about being accosted by an angry black male over her bumper sticker. Next time, remember that a) a mirror reverses what you are doing and b) penmanship counts when forging.

(- -) To the Bush administration (imagine that!) for starting the voting shenanigans early. It looks like we’re in for a long trawl through the election season into January 09. Lawyers, start your cockrings.

I think that’s it. I drove 1000 miles in three days to bring you this update. Suburban Panic didn’t even drop a dime on it.

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