Some Things I’ve Learned

February 17th, 2009 by Oskar Kennedy

In the nearly ten days I’ve been a father, I’ve learned a few things that I’d like to share with you, in lieu of posting anything of real interest or substance. Once finals are over, I swear I’ll post more. In the meantime, I’ve added a dozen new pictures of Emery’s first week to my flickr account. Enjoy.

I Have Learned That:

  • Newborn babies make the most mundane things adorable. Sneezing and yawning become brain-explodingly sweet. I know that this is most likely my genes hijacking my brain, but I am nonetheless helpless in the face of teh cute.
  • If you’re already the kind of person who has trouble falling asleep, staying asleep and going back to sleep when awakened by the tiniest sound, motion or change in atmospheric pressure, adjusting to a newborn’s sleep schedule isn’t quite as traumatic as everyone says.
  • The dimensions of one’s belly button are not, it turns out, determined by how the umbilicus is cut after delivery. You’re born with one or the other, and it takes its pre-determined shape when the remains of the cord dry up and fall off.
  • Nicknames really do just happen. I started calling my daughter “Wriggle Monster,” and now I’m hearing other people use it as well.
  • I have ceased to be interesting at all, except as the father of the cutest baby in the multiverse. It happened so fast that I suspect I wasn’t particularly interesting to begin with.
  • When I hear parents tell their toddlers to “shut up and stop crying,” it makes me physically ill, and grateful that I don’t regularly carry a hammer. ‘Cause if I did, I’d hammer all over this land, where by this land, I mean the skull of the lady on the blue line last week.
  • Lovely Wife manages to be beautiful, despite fatigue, anxiety and post-surgery pain. Weaker sex, my pale, flabby ass.
spread the panic!
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This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 17th, 2009 at 1:13 am and is filed under Parenting. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.


Discussion (10)¬

  1. Heidi Anderson says:
    February 17, 2009 at 10:34 am

    You will also soon learn that it is one thing to say “shut up and stop crying” to a child (which I never would do) but you will at one point think it. You will also begin to understand shaken baby syndrome, and how people can be pushed to the edge. Babies seem to lull you in to a false sense of security, and then start screaming at about 3-4 weeks old. I have been told they stop when they go to college.

    I always tell people that I parent completely on the opposite of instinct. My instincts tell me to yell, hit, and scream at my children, so I do the complete opposite. I call it the George Costanza method of parenting.

  2. Oskar Kennedy says:
    February 17, 2009 at 11:00 am

    @Heidi Anderson – That’s a good point, and I think it applies to just about every level of social interaction. It’s okay to think the horrible, crude, selfish thing, as long as you don’t say or do it. In other words, live like your brain isn’t all stem.

    It’s one thing that’s really great about not believing in a god. If I just think something, I’m the only one who knows about it. There isn’t a creepy, voyeuristic sky-grandpa stroking his beard and scowling at my impure thoughts, so I don’t have to feel guilty, as long as I keep it to myself.

    Thanks for the comment.

  3. MooseBoy says:
    February 17, 2009 at 11:26 am

    poppookkklkjouklpl
    \

    ”
    bmkk

  4. Waldorf Van Buren says:
    February 17, 2009 at 12:04 pm

    Heidi – I am with you on that. I understand all of those dark thoughts because I have had them at two points or another. In this house we call it the “I love you but shut up” feeling.

    Oskar – No guilt necessary on thoughts. I always cringed at the “Shut up and stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!” However, the thought did well up once or twice when the oldest had a temper tantrum at Universal Studios. I suddenly became THAT parent – you know, the one with the uncontrollable child. . . Ah, memories. . .

    MooseBoy – That only happened once.

  5. Lorry says:
    February 20, 2009 at 4:47 am

    Adorable! :) My own horrible-labor-ending-in-cesarean story was five months ago, and reading some of these recent posts brings back some not-too-distant memories. I know it seems impossible, but Emery will get even cuter. I promise. And keep telling Lovely Wife how awesome she is. ;)

  6. Ryogam says:
    February 20, 2009 at 9:43 am

    What till she laughs the first time you do something that she finds amusing. When my son got the hiccups one time, about two or three months old, my wife pretended she had the hiccups, too. And he found it hilarious. So, now, we have video of me and my wife, fake hiccuping, and my boy laughing like a crazy man. I never would have imagined it.

    • Oskar Kennedy says:
      February 20, 2009 at 5:33 pm

      I’m definitely looking forward to smiles and laughs that are more than random muscle flexes. Rest assured there will be pictures as soon as it happens. =)

  7. Lorry says:
    February 21, 2009 at 2:53 pm

    LOL Oops! Sorry, I *am* doing great now and all healed up! :)