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Top 5 Reasons Why Moviegoing is No Longer a Joyous Experience

March 24th, 2009 by Jenn DiSanto

5. $4.75 for a small, stale, gross popcorn.
About once a year, I really want a snack with my movie. Buffy the Vampire Slayer (movie version!) was right; AMC, you have “bogus corn.”

And P.S. Who decided that popcorn, the world’s noisiest possible food, was to be the snack of choice during movies? Popcorn in loud, rustly bags, being consumed by patrons clearly raised by wolves who can’t keep their mouths closed while they chew. FanTAStic. And then of course there’s the Raisinet/Milk Dud Loud Shaky-Box oeuvre, and the oft-forgotten Spectacularly Loud Twizzler Bags. Isn’t it time to review these options?

(NB: Before anyone says it, I’m pretty sure I know that the popcorn thing started during the Depression as a cheap snack option for theater owners. But really, I think it’s time to reevaluate, because your popcorn markup is absurd, and because we have to listen to the moviefilms now!)

4. $9.50 for a 4 p.m. movie.
Really? Whatever happened to the matinee? I think AMC matinees are before 3 now, which… really? Apparently the AMC lost its memo – and its everloving mind – on matinees. Normally I go to the Loews Theater, and they don’t do student discounts, so I am not used to presenting my 8-year-old college ID to get a student ticket. I’d imagine during a bad economy, movies out are probably one of the first things to get scaled back. The least you bastards could do is rock some coupons. Note: the MovieWatcher cardholder’s coupon for 50 cents off one of those overpriced and over-portioned combos at the snack bar does NOT count!

3. Poor Parenting 101.
You brought your 6-year-old to Watchmen? Seriously? Take it from someone who has Freddy Krueger nightmares at age 30 after some misguided soul let me see those movies in the ’80s – your kid’s gonna wake up 20 years from now scared to death that half his face just got bitten off. (I still can’t lie in bed wearing headphones. Remember that in the first Nightmare flick, a pre-Pirates Johnny Depp getting dragged into the bed?! GAH!)

Scar your kid all you want, just don’t make me an accessory.

2. Cell phones.
I wish I didn’t have to say it. Really, I do. I wish we were all courteous enough as functioning members of society that the simple “Turn off your phone” announcement before the movie would be enough, just a reminder to turn down your ringtone. But you know there’s always some jackhole with a cell phone, and at the last movie I went to, there were two! And, worse, they both answered the call.

Listen. If there’s something so critical happening in your world that you can’t live without knowing it for the 2 hours you’re in the theater, then maybe you shouldn’t have come in for this little cinematic adventure. Or, hey, put your phone on vibrate, check Caller ID, and if you need to answer, take it outside. Finally, if you’re answering the phone in the theater because you’re obsessed with some guy or girl so your phone must be on at all times, and OMG, they finally called while you were seeing He’s Just Not That Into You? Then I sincerely hope — and at the same time, sincerely doubt — that you learned something from the film.)

1. Loud-Voiced Announcers of the Obvious.
Warning: If you are sitting near anyone who laughs really loudly at those pre-movie commercials where hamsters are driving a Kia, you may be sitting near a Theater Jackass. Relocate immediately or suffer the consequences. They’re going to annoy you.

I’m watching a movie. I have inferred from events leading to this particular moment in the film that, while cleaning out the pants pockets of Her Beloved’s pants for laundry, Female Lead Character will find an engagement ring. You know it’s going to happen, unless you’re an idiot. It’s a romantic comedy, buy a clue. However, once Female Lead Character’s hand is IN the pocket, ON the ring box, and she is just about to pull it out, Baron von Obvious (an Executive Theater Jackass!) in the row behind me leans over to his loud-popcorn-chewing wife and says, in a voice that could be heard in the cheap seats of a Broadway play, “It’s a ring!” OK, a) You’re an ass, b) Why ruin it for your wife if she hadn’t yet done the math there? and c) Did you figure that out all by yourself? Good for you, buddy, here’s a cookie!

I was schooled by nerds on this matter: You keep your frakkin’ mouth shut during a movie. You just do. The whole time. If you insist on sharing your mindblowing observations with the low-aiming shrew that took your hand in unholy matrimony… whatever, she married you, make her suffer. But for heaven’s sake, sir, use your 6-inch voice! We have the whisper for a reason, and that reason is so the whole world doesn’t know you’re a moron.

If you’ve experienced any Theater Jackasssery not listed here, do share. We can always do an Extended Fiesta Remix and make it a top 10.

spread the panic!