Top 5 Reasons Why Moviegoing is No Longer a Joyous Experience

March 24th, 2009 by Jenn DiSanto

5. $4.75 for a small, stale, gross popcorn.
About once a year, I really want a snack with my movie. Buffy the Vampire Slayer (movie version!) was right; AMC, you have “bogus corn.”

And P.S. Who decided that popcorn, the world’s noisiest possible food, was to be the snack of choice during movies? Popcorn in loud, rustly bags, being consumed by patrons clearly raised by wolves who can’t keep their mouths closed while they chew. FanTAStic. And then of course there’s the Raisinet/Milk Dud Loud Shaky-Box oeuvre, and the oft-forgotten Spectacularly Loud Twizzler Bags. Isn’t it time to review these options?

(NB: Before anyone says it, I’m pretty sure I know that the popcorn thing started during the Depression as a cheap snack option for theater owners. But really, I think it’s time to reevaluate, because your popcorn markup is absurd, and because we have to listen to the moviefilms now!)

4. $9.50 for a 4 p.m. movie.
Really? Whatever happened to the matinee? I think AMC matinees are before 3 now, which… really? Apparently the AMC lost its memo – and its everloving mind – on matinees. Normally I go to the Loews Theater, and they don’t do student discounts, so I am not used to presenting my 8-year-old college ID to get a student ticket.  I’d imagine during a bad economy, movies out are probably one of the first things to get scaled back. The least you bastards could do is rock some coupons. Note: the MovieWatcher cardholder’s coupon for 50 cents off one of those overpriced and over-portioned combos at the snack bar does NOT count!

3. Poor Parenting 101.
You brought your 6-year-old to Watchmen? Seriously? Take it from someone who has Freddy Krueger nightmares at age 30 after some misguided soul let me see those movies in the ’80s – your kid’s gonna wake up 20 years from now scared to death that half his face just got bitten off. (I still can’t lie in bed wearing headphones. Remember that in the first Nightmare flick, a pre-Pirates Johnny Depp getting dragged into the bed?! GAH!)

Scar your kid all you want, just don’t make me an accessory.

2. Cell phones.
I wish I didn’t have to say it. Really, I do. I wish we were all courteous enough as functioning members of society that the simple “Turn off your phone” announcement before the movie would be enough, just a reminder to turn down your ringtone. But you know there’s always some jackhole with a cell phone, and at the last movie I went to, there were two! And, worse, they both answered the call.

Listen. If there’s something so critical happening in your world that you can’t live without knowing it for the 2 hours you’re in the theater, then maybe you shouldn’t have come in for this little cinematic adventure. Or, hey, put your phone on vibrate, check Caller ID, and if you need to answer, take it outside. Finally, if you’re answering the phone in the theater because you’re obsessed with some guy or girl so your phone must be on at all times, and OMG, they finally called while you were seeing He’s Just Not That Into You? Then I sincerely hope — and at the same time, sincerely doubt — that you learned something from the film.)

1. Loud-Voiced Announcers of the Obvious.
Warning: If you are sitting near anyone who laughs really loudly at those pre-movie commercials where hamsters are driving a Kia, you may be sitting near a Theater Jackass. Relocate immediately or suffer the consequences. They’re going to annoy you.

I’m watching a movie. I have inferred from events leading to this particular moment in the film that, while cleaning out the pants pockets of Her Beloved’s pants for laundry, Female Lead Character will find an engagement ring. You know it’s going to happen, unless you’re an idiot. It’s a romantic comedy, buy a clue. However, once Female Lead Character’s hand is IN the pocket, ON the ring box, and she is just about to pull it out, Baron von Obvious (an Executive Theater Jackass!) in the row behind me leans over to his loud-popcorn-chewing wife and says, in a voice that could be heard in the cheap seats of a Broadway play, “It’s a ring!” OK, a) You’re an ass, b) Why ruin it for your wife if she hadn’t yet done the math there? and c) Did you figure that out all by yourself? Good for you, buddy, here’s a cookie!

I was schooled by nerds on this matter: You keep your frakkin’ mouth shut during a movie. You just do. The whole time. If you insist on sharing your mindblowing observations with the low-aiming shrew that took your hand in unholy matrimony… whatever, she married you, make her suffer. But for heaven’s sake, sir, use your 6-inch voice! We have the whisper for a reason, and that reason is so the whole world doesn’t know you’re a moron.

If you’ve experienced any Theater Jackasssery not listed here, do share. We can always do an Extended Fiesta Remix and make it a top 10.

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 24th, 2009 at 6:40 pm and is filed under Panic!. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.


Discussion (13)¬

  1. Foo-Foo McKinley says:
    March 24, 2009 at 7:16 pm

    I once went to the movies and, having had similar problems in the past with loud people behind me, I sat in the back. Little did I realize (which I suppose I should have, given that it was a weekend), I would be literally surrounded by the makeout party of the year. It was disgusting and shameful. 13 year olds, practically dry humping each other in every direction. I tried to concentrate on the movie, but was so appalled by this distracting IRL soft-porn that I had to move to the only empty seats left in the theater… in the front freaking row. Unfortunately, it wasn’t one of those newer theaters with the slightly-tiltable seats up front. So while the kiddies were necking in the back, I was getting a sore neck in the front.

    • catgirl says:
      March 25, 2009 at 10:49 am

      Hey, I used to be one of those kids (although a little older than 13). The problem is that when you’re both teenagers and obviously living with your parents, where else are you gonna make out? It’s either do it in the movie theater or find a creep who is 5 -10 years older than you and has their own apartment.

      • Foo-Foo McKinley says:
        March 25, 2009 at 4:25 pm

        Hahaha, I know. Admittedly I was also one of them when I was somewhere around that age, a little older though. And it’s true, where else would they be able to? It just disturbed me, as a “grown up” (I think I was around 19 at the time, and so to me they were children even though there was a small age gap), to see what seemed like a clumsy orgy happening around me while I tried to enjoy the movie. I now try to find seats directly in the middle of the theater and simply shush people who talk, when necessary. :)

  2. Marcus Ronaldi says:
    March 24, 2009 at 7:18 pm

    In 1992 I worked at a movie theater for five days. At the end of our shift we would take the popcorn out of the Machine and put it into a large plastic bag. Then the next shift would dump the day old popcorn into the Machine.

  3. Oskar Kennedy says:
    March 24, 2009 at 7:46 pm

    RE: #1, actually, box office receipts tend to go up in times of economic uncertainty. There is some debate as to how big the effect is, but the overall trend is toward steady or slightly better box office when the economy is bad.

  4. Janice Nixon says:
    March 24, 2009 at 8:29 pm

    @Marcus – I worked at a movie theatre for six YEARS. Even day old (or a few days old) popcorn is still technically fresh as long as it’s still kept warm.

    re: #1 @Oskar. Yes, BUT, ticket prices have not been as astronomically high as they’ve been in previous bad economic times. We also didn’t have such easy access to movies in those times (big widescreen televisions, 5.1 surround and most of the latest titles are available much more than ever…if some people don’t have them, they likely know at least one friend who DOES). It’s MUCH cheaper for EVERYONE to hit a local convenience store/supermarket/warehouse store/etc. for some candy and popcorn (either microwave or regular unpopped), and have everybody throw in a couple of bucks for pizza delivery and do a big movie night at home…

    • Oskar Kennedy says:
      March 24, 2009 at 9:26 pm

      Feh. Adjusted for inflation, movie ticket prices aren’t astronomically anything.

      Also, part of what I was referring to was comparison from the first quarter of ‘08 to the current quarter. The options for movie-watching are a lot different than they were during the last recession, but I don’t think they’re radically different from what was available last winter. Yet there has still been at least a minor increase in box-office numbers.

  5. The Retroist says:
    March 24, 2009 at 10:49 pm

    That scene in Nightmare with the headphones always haunted me as well, but in retrospect I realize that the character was annoying and unreliable. He had to die.

  6. T Hand says:
    March 26, 2009 at 12:02 am

    Movie Prices always go up, and so do concessions- since that’s where the theater really makes its money (admission goes to paying for the film, mostly).

    Just to be Devils Advocate, I give a movie about 20 minutes before I intentionally change clothes in a phone booth to become “THEATER JACKASS MAN!” This is encouraged/dampened by the number of other patrons, and how quickly I can get them to laugh. H20 (the 20th anniversary Halloween) was a horrible movie, but me and the other three people in the theater liked it because we all made loud, mocking, comments at every opportunity.

    I’ve never been hushed, before; and I don’t go to many movies now. If I did get shushed, having worked at theaters too much, I’d probably just leave and get my free tickets/refund. The old Regal Guidelines for handling customer complaints said to give them free passes three times if they weren’t happy- and didn’t accept the apology and free passes already given.

    • Jenn says:
      March 26, 2009 at 9:50 am

      Oh, yeah, if it’s a really bad movie, all bets are off, see the case of Jenn vs. “Crossroads,” 2002. :)

      I didn’t know that about theater complaints, I should cause a fuss next time.

      • T Hand says:
        April 2, 2009 at 6:32 am

        It fits if you consider that the whole point of the establishment is to sell you crap that isn’t tickets. Stick to it, mention how much you spent, and how much time you wasted. You don’t have to blame them; but don’t accept a heartfelt “sorry”.