Suburban Panic! » 2009

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SOW (Stupid of [the] Week)

May 1st, 2009 by Waldorf Van Buren

Wow. There are just so many possibilities to choose from. Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, Virginia Fox, Joe Biden, Joe the Plumber… The SOW, though, for me, is easy to see. I admit, she’s low-hanging fruit, but damn this woman can’t seem to keep her foot out of her mouth. She’s really given her all to become the substitute W. and enchanted us with her post-conspiracy, Palinesque drivel. (My apologies to Michael Palin, whose Palinesque drivel is INTENTIONALLY funny). You know her, you love her, you can’t wait to see what crazy comes from her mouth next, it’s the one of many… Michele Bachmann.

You may know this woman from her freaky-deaky appearances as a Congresswoman and regular talking head on the FOX Commentary channel. Allow me to delight you with some of her intelligence. (A shout out to Dump Bachmann and The Bachmann Record for collected quotes.) I won’t give you everything, but a “best-of,” highlighting her dumbery (use it in everyday speech – I dares ya):

“It’s under the guise of — quote — volunteerism. But it’s not volunteers at all. It’s paying people to do work on behalf of government…

I believe that there is a very strong chance that we will see that young people will be put into mandatory service. And the real concerns is that there are provisions for what I would call re-education camps for young people, where young people have to go and get trained in a philosophy that the government puts forward and then they have to go to work in some of these politically correct forums.”

“I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out then under Democrat President Jimmy Carter. And I’m not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it is an interesting coincidence.”

“Literally, if we took away the minimum wage—if conceivably it was gone—we could potentially virtually wipe out unemployment completely because we would be able to offer jobs at whatever level.” —Michele Bachmann, 1/26/05, Jobs, Energy and Community Development Committee, testifying against SF 3, a bill to raise the MN minimum wage and advocating the elimination of the minimum wage altogether.

“I look at the Scripture and I read it and I take it for what it is. I give more credence in the Scripture as being kind of a timeless word of God to mankind, and I take it for what it is. And I don’t think I give as much credence to my own mind, because I see myself as being very limited and very flawed, and lacking in knowledge, and wisdom and understanding. So, I just take the Bible for what it is, I guess, and recognize that I am not a scientist, not trained to be a scientist. I’m not a deep thinker on all of this. I wish I was. I wish I was more knowledgeable, but I’m not a scientist.” – Michele Bachmann interviewing with Todd Fiel at KKMS as quoted in the Stillwater Gazette, September 29, 2003.

“Something that I think sometimes people don’t like to hear is that secular people can be sometimes even more dogmatic in beliefs than people who are not secular… In some ways, to believe in evolution is almost like a following; a cult following — if you don’t believe in evolution, you’re considered completely backward. That seems to me very indicative of bias as well.” – Michele Bachmann quoted in the Stillwater Gazette, September 29, 2003

“No one that I know disagrees with natural selection — that you can take various breeds of dogs… breed them, you get different kinds of dogs,” she said. “It’s just a fact of life. Where there’s controversy is (at the question) ‘Where do we say that a cell became a blade of grass, which became a starfish, which became a cat, which became a donkey, which became a human being?’ There’s a real lack of evidence from change from actual species to a different type of species. That’s where it’s difficult to prove.” – Michele Bachmann quoted in the Stillwater Gazette, September 29, 2003.

“We’re in a state of crisis where our nation is literally ripping apart at the seams right now, and lawlessness is occurring from one ocean to the other. And we’re seeing the fulfillment of the Book of Judges here in our own time, where every man doing that which is right in his own eyes—in other words, anarchy.” – Senator Michele Bachmann, appearing as guest on radio program “Prophetic Views Behind The News”, hosted by Jan Markell, KKMS 980-AM, March 6, 2004.

“And what a bizarre time we’re in, Jan, when a judge will say to little children that you can’t say the pledge of allegiance, but you must learn that homosexuality is normal and you should try it.” — Senator Michele Bachmann, appearing as guest on radio program “Prophetic Views Behind The News”, hosted by Jan Markell, KKMS 980-AM, March 6, 2004.

“If you’re involved in the gay and lesbian lifestyle, it’s bondage. It is personal bondage, personal despair and personal enslavement.” — Senator Michele Bachmann, speaking at EdWatch National Education Conference, November 6, 2004.

“I want people in Minnesota armed and dangerous on this issue of the energy tax because we need to fight back. Thomas Jefferson told us ‘having a revolution every now and then is a good thing,’ and the people – we the people – are going to have to fight back hard if we’re not going to lose our country. And I think this has the potential of changing the dynamic of freedom forever in the United States.”

Of course, if you want to hear it straight from this Minnesotan herself, there are video clips aplenty if you follow this link (which will open a new window). I figure the quotes don’t need commentary – they speak loudly.

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└ Tags: crazy, Michele Bachmann, Minnesota, politics, stupid

My Semi-Notorious Past

May 6th, 2009 by Oskar Kennedy

I’ve been griping talking recently about how I took a part time job with my old employer in order to pay the bills after law school graduation. This has generated a certain amount of interest, since the employer in question is an adult video website.

In order to streamline the discussion, I’m reposting something that I wrote on my Livejournal in January of 2006, just before the end of my first year in porn. If you’re curious about the depths of banality that I plumbed while working in the adult industry, keep reading. And when you notice particularly boring, repetitive tasks, keep in mind that those are all I’m doing these days. Enjoy.

(more…)

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└ Tags: Ask LBB, boring, explanation, job, Journal, Livejournal, memories, porn, questions, work

Apostastic! Part 3: A Game Of Questions

May 8th, 2009 by Oskar Kennedy

The Bible as word-of-deity, divinely inspired and able to address any conceivable wrinkle of life, was like the gravity of my Christian faith. Everybody knew it was true, but we rarely discussed it, because everybody already knew it was true. What was the point in rehashing something that everybody took for granted?

Studying the Bible as literature for class, rather than looking to it for divine guidance and wisdom, forced me to abandon this major premise. At first, it was just an intellectual exercise; ignore your conditioned reverence for the text. Assume that it’s just another book, and read it as such. Don’t ignore internal contradictions, or chalk them up to the ineffability of heavenly wisdom. Treat them as you would in any other book, with a raised eyebrow and a firm “WTF?”

(more…)

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└ Tags: apostasy, bible, Christianity, deconversion, faith, god, odd, religion

Vaccination Celebration

May 11th, 2009 by Oskar Kennedy

Here’s an idea for countering the hysteria of anti-vaccination cranks, and (maybe) helping to alleviate some of the anxiety felt by parents and kids alike when it’s time to let someone jab a sharp, metal object into your defenseless child. Vaccination Day celebrations. Every time your child gets vaccinated, bake her a cake and invite some friends over to eat snacks and congratulate her.

Does that sound not entirely unreasonable to anyone else? It might not be terribly practical for the earliest shots. Your one-month-old won’t know what’s going on, and the purpose would largely be defeated if she catches a cold from one of your dirty friends. But for your older kid? Come on. What would she like more than a non-birthday excuse to get whacked out on sugary drinks and run around with her friends? (For diabetic children, replace “sugary drinks” with “healthy choices.”) And can you think of a better way to appease her after a painful trip to the doctor than with a party to celebrate her bravery?

Ask your grandparents about polio sometime. It was some scary shit.

I have even put my formidable genius to work thinking up games for your vaccine parties. I suggest ordering some Giant Microbes in the shapes of vaccine-preventable organisms. Your guests can play a version of Hot Potato, where they pass the cuddly bugs around instead of a tennis ball. If the music stops on a child who hasn’t been vaccinated against that particular illness, he has to pretend to be dead. If the “loser” has had the applicable shot, she gets to stay in the game. It’s fun, educational, and kind of morbid, like pretty much everything in Grimm’s Fairy Tales.

So come on, skeptical parents (and other rational relatives). The next time a young person that you care about goes to the doctor for a vaccination, consider inviting the herd over to raise a glass (of juice) to your collective immunity. Thanks to modern vaccines, the chances of your son or daughter reaching adulthood without being crippled or killed by illness is far lower than it was only a few generations ago. I can’t think of many better reasons to celebrate.

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└ Tags: celebration, hysteria, parenting, party, vaccination

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