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Collected Observations

July 10th, 2009 by Oskar Kennedy

A small selection of thoughts that I’ve been accumulating as I study for the bar exam and move house in the same month. My brains are constantly on the verge of a complete work stoppage.

The toilet paper in our office manages to be simultaneously as abrasive as sandpaper and as diaphanous as tissue. If I were a materials scientist, there’d be a research paper in there somewhere. (It’d probably be more comfortable to wipe with, too.)
As I get older, I am slowly drifting to the west. At the current rate (assuming an average life expectancy), I am going to die somewhere just east of Pittsburgh.
I have an irrational dislike of URLs that contain more than two words. Syllables don’t seem to matter, but a three-word website address will make me (mentally) throw up in my mouth a little bit.
Bananas are tasty and nutritious. However, you have to eat them in the 45 minute window between green and overripe. Although if you miss it, it’s a good excuse to make banana bread, which is also yummy.
Incidentally, I sometimes start typing the word “banana,” and I forget to stop.
Bananananana. (EDIT: It turns out I unconsciously ripped off this bit from Demetri Martin. Whoops.)
My favorite legal term that sounds dirty but isn’t: “attenuation of the taint.”
An old friend recently suggested that I should be friends with his wife on Facebook. Except she doesn’t like me. The three of us shared an apartment back in the early 2000’s; we had some personality conflicts, and she’s treated me with polite but unmistakable disdain ever since. Which is fine, really. I’m sure that living with me wears the shine off of whatever minimal charm I possess pretty fast. I try to be friendly and respectful on the rare occasion when I see them, so as not to exacerbate the situation needlessly. But I’m not laying awake nights bemoaning her distaste for me. The whole thing is passing curious. Has my friend not noticed that his wife is unimpressed by my shenanigans? Or have I misread the situation, mistaking some sort of general prickliness for individual dislike?
I have a minor fascination with the variability in the ways that people gain weight. Some people just expand all over, while others seem to concentrate it all in one region. There was a woman on the bus yesterday morning who had a fairly normal torso perched atop a vast expanse of buttocks and thighs. She looked like an apple with an action figure sticking out of it.
My weight gain is all happening in my midsection, while my limbs are as skinny as ever. They’re like four bendy straws jammed into a potato. Luckily, there is a comfortable sheath of fat growing around my heart, so I feel like I’m being snuggled from the inside.