Posts Tagged ‘Ask LBB’


Heil Straw Man

March 26th, 2007 by Oskar Kennedy

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  What’s your favorite logical fallacy?
- Armchair Skeptic

Dear Armchair Skeptic,
  I’m a big fan of ad hominem attacks. You nazi shithead.

[x-posted from Ask The Little Bald Bastard]

spread the panic!
[Ask] [Bloglines] [del.icio.us] [Digg] [Facebook] [Fark] [Google] [Mixx] [MySpace] [Newsvine] [Reddit] [Slashdot] [Sphere] [StumbleUpon] [Technorati] [Twitter] [Windows Live] [Yahoo!] [Email] More »
└ Tags: , , ,

Wish Hard For A Boyfriend With A Brain

March 26th, 2007 by Oskar Kennedy

Dear LBB,
  My boyfriend has been reading “The Secret” — with a highlighter and taking notes! Is he trying to tell me something?
Thanks,
- Jen

Dear Jen,
  Whether he’s trying to or not, you boyfriend is telling you that he’s a credulous, vacuous fucktard. Unless he’s a book reviewer, or he’s taking notes for an article debunking its obviously frivolous claims, your boyfriend is falling hard for the silly notion that the “Law of Attraction” will allow him to acquire things simply by thinking really hard about them.

  You should ask him exactly what he’s trying to attract. If he’s wishing hard for the money to buy you a wedding ring, then he’s telling you he loves you. He’s a credulous, vacuous, romantic fucktard. If he wants the Universe to drop a busty blonde in his lap, then his motives are far more suspect. He’s a credulous, vacuous, unfaithful fucktard. Unless, of course, you’re the busty blonde he’s wishing for. In that case he’s a credulous, vacuous, horny fucktard.

  In other news, I’ve discovered that it is impossible to overuse the word “fucktard.”

[x-posted from Ask The Little Bald Bastard]

spread the panic!
[Ask] [Bloglines] [del.icio.us] [Digg] [Facebook] [Fark] [Google] [Mixx] [MySpace] [Newsvine] [Reddit] [Slashdot] [Sphere] [StumbleUpon] [Technorati] [Twitter] [Windows Live] [Yahoo!] [Email] More »
└ Tags: , , , , ,

Fertility Rites? What Fertility Rites?

April 8th, 2007 by Oskar Kennedy

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Why do we celebrate Easter with chocolate eggs and bunnies but NOT with chocolate depictions of the Lord? Wouldn’t Chocolate Mini-Christs make more sense? Can you get in touch with the fine folks at Reese’s and get this going?

  Chocolate Christ be with you,
- Jenn

Dear Jenn,
  Back when it was trying hard to supplant the ancient, tree-humping pagan faiths, the church co-opted the festivals and symbols that the potential converts were comfortable with and repurposed them into its new, monotheistic mythology. This is why a type of tree Jesus could never have seen has become a symbol of his birth, and why we pretend that Middle Eastern shepherds would have been hanging out on a hillside in late December.

  To paraphrase Eddie Izzard, the bunnies are for shagging, and the eggs are for fertility. They’re holdovers from ancient rituals that celebrated the coming Spring, and tried to influence the Universe to grant the tribe a successful planting, and a fruitful subsequent harvest. Dozens of generations later, chocolate eggs and bunnies have the inertia of tradition working in their favor. Coloring eggs and biting off long chocolate ears have become as natural to the faithful as ignoring homeless people on the street.

  Chocolate religious depictions do exist, but it’s doubtful that they’ll ever eclipse the old Easter symbols. And really, what reason is there to change now? It’s not like there’s a huge underground contingent of disgruntled nature worshipers out there, grimly strapping on explosive belts and vowing to get their bunnies back. Plus, eating something with a human face is a little odd. Especially if it’s a lifesize, anatomically correct human. I mean, where does one start?

  I’m sure that, in a less taboo-laden future, psychologists will be able to discern interesting things about where one chooses to begin eating a chocolate human sculpture. Until then, I’m going to register my discomfort with eating a chocolate scrotum, and leave it at that.

[x-posted from Ask The Little Bald Bastard]

spread the panic!
[Ask] [Bloglines] [del.icio.us] [Digg] [Facebook] [Fark] [Google] [Mixx] [MySpace] [Newsvine] [Reddit] [Slashdot] [Sphere] [StumbleUpon] [Technorati] [Twitter] [Windows Live] [Yahoo!] [Email] More »
└ Tags: , , , , ,

Tom’s Billionth Imaginary Friend Has Issues

April 16th, 2007 by Oskar Kennedy

Dear MySpace,

  Why in hell do I have to have my “Zodiac sign” in my profile? Astrology is the vestigial-tailed, microcephalic, basement-dwelling third cousin of legitimate Astronomy. What it lacks in understanding of physical principles is made worse by its total inability to predict anything.

  I don’t want to give anyone who wanders across my profile reason to suspect that I subscribe to an idiotic pseudoscience, and I resent the fact that I don’t have the option of removing this item from my profile. Why is it that my height, a measurable, observable figure, is an optional profile item, but an arbitrary assignation of a star sign is fixed and not subject to removal? I should be able to choose whether or not this field is viewable in my profile. Tom, let’s get on that.

spread the panic!
[Ask] [Bloglines] [del.icio.us] [Digg] [Facebook] [Fark] [Google] [Mixx] [MySpace] [Newsvine] [Reddit] [Slashdot] [Sphere] [StumbleUpon] [Technorati] [Twitter] [Windows Live] [Yahoo!] [Email] More »
└ Tags: , , , , , ,

A Bridge Over Kansas?

June 7th, 2007 by Oskar Kennedy

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Where can I find Trolling Fundies?
- Recreant/Miscreant

Dear R/M,
  Any time a website comment warns you that you’re going to hell, you’ve met a Trolling Fundy. Whenever a forum post compares the discussion topic to Sodom (or its less famous, but still rockin’ sister city, Gomorrah), you’ve met a Trolling Fundy. When your blog host suddenly deletes hundreds of journals and communities that post fiction with naughty words in, chances are they did so at the behest of one or more Trolling Fundies.

  Trolling Fundies – short for “fundamentalists” – lurk around areas of the Interweb that they consider unsavory, clucking disapprovingly and keeping careful notes about exactly how many times Draco spanks Harry’s bare ass in your fan fiction community. At best, they’ll prissily opine about the danger to the souls of those who share your particular interest. At worst, they’ll take it upon themselves to report you to whatever authority is at hand. If your forum or blog host handles content inquiries as badly as Livejournal/Six Apart’s recent mass banning kerfluffle, the Trolling Fundy might cause you serious inconvenience.

  Unfortunately, there is no surefire way to guard against an infestation of Trolling Fundies. Unlike cockroaches, which die when you stomp on them, Trolling Fundies have a nasty way of returning after being banned/blocked/publicly ridiculed. The sad fact is, if you want to maintain a public presence online, and you aren’t willing to keep it G-rated, you’re subject to attack by Trolling Fundies. Welcome to the Internet in the new age of morality.

[x-posted from Ask The Little Bald Bastard]

spread the panic!
[Ask] [Bloglines] [del.icio.us] [Digg] [Facebook] [Fark] [Google] [Mixx] [MySpace] [Newsvine] [Reddit] [Slashdot] [Sphere] [StumbleUpon] [Technorati] [Twitter] [Windows Live] [Yahoo!] [Email] More »
└ Tags: , , , , ,

Next Page ›