Hey, Bastard,
  What’s the worst pickup line you’ve ever heard?

- Mike 354

Dear Mike,
  Pickup lines are, by definition, awful. Trying to convince a person to take a sex break with you in one sentence is one of the most absurd notions ever devised by a desperate male population. The only thing more pathetic than the attempt is the rare success story. Using a pickup line is sad; falling for one is depressing beyond comprehension.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  I’m thinking about having your profile tattooed to my ass…which is your best side?

  What’s better, dating someone below your potential so you get to walk around feeling superior but still have to wake up every morning next to them, or date far above your potential, get to wake up to THAT, but have to walk around feeling inadaquate?

- Love, Slight Taller Man with Hair

Dear Slightly,
  - My best side is generally whichever side you can’t see. Although all you’d really have to do is have a pair of sunglasses drawn on your ass. I’m sure the resemblance to my face would be remarkable.

  - If you’re going to do it, why not do it right? Who gives a shit if you feel inadequate? I feel inadequate enough when I look at myself, let alone at somebody else. If you can secure yourself the pleasure of going home to an attractive partner, go for it. Just be honest with yourself. If you’re going to feel so outclassed that you’re unable to keep from crying anytime someone flirts with your partner, forget it. Your self-doubt might lead you into the kind of jealousy that always seems to result in a restraining order.

Why is it
that as soon as you’re stable and moving on, ex’s come crawling back on their hands and knees?

-The BestMan…the BetterMan

Dear B.M.,
(Heh heh. B.M.)

  Are you complaining? Life has given you a golden opportunity to fuck with this person as much as you want. If your former partner is really groveling, you now have free reign to make him/her suffer as much as you have since you were dumped.

  Of course, this all hinges on you actually being stable and moving on. If you’re still secretly hung up on your ex, this is really all a cruel joke. You’ll let the person who done you wrong back into your life, only to be hurt again. Then again, if you’re really completely recovered, then your desire for revenge should have evaporated by now. In which case, you should break your ex’s heart anyway, in honor of everyone who isn’t as stable as yourself.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  To have a good time, what number should I call?

- Lonely Weekends

Dear Lonely,
  If you’re like me, and unable to communicate beyond a series of grunts and whistles, don’t bother using the phone. Simply open your window and scream your frustration to the surrounding environs. The friends you make once you’re thrown into a county holding cell will definitely spice up your social situation.

Hey Sailor,
  Howzabout a date?

- Wink Wink, Nudge Nudge

Dear Wink Wink,
  Although I’m naturally tempted by such a smooth, polished line, I’m afraid that I’ll have to pass. It only took one stalking experience to put me off dating by mail. I tried to explain to the police that I was just passing by her building every night for a month, but they didn’t buy it.

Dear LBB,

  I want to take my boyfriend to NYC for his birthday to see a Broadway musical called “Wicked,” based on the novel by Gregory Maguire.

  I am worried that he won’t like it. What if it sucks? What if he has a horrid birthday and it’s all my fault?

  What else could I get him? He is emphatically opposed to gift cards, but he likes books, DVDs, computer equipment, electronics… he is, however, an impulse buyer, and if there’s something he wants to buy, he tends to go get it himself shortly after it comes out! Oh, LBB, what’s a girl to do?????

Signed,

Bugged in Bucks County

Dear Bugged,

  As you know by now, I do not routinely counsel optimism. However, in this case, I believe things are going to be okay, for two reasons.

1) Wicked is basically a retelling of Frank Baum’s The Wizard of Oz, with the Wicked Witch of Some Direction or Other as the main character and narrator. It’s a musical, based on a book, based on another book, which has previously been adapted into what I believe is fair to call a fairly successful musical. In short, I think it’s likely to be pretty good, for a musical. If he likes the book, he should like the show.

2) If he’s a decent guy, he won’t complain about being taken to New York City for the evening. Hell, if he isn’t a decent guy, but he still has some kind of brain in his head, he’ll sit through the show and still not complain about being taken to New York City for the evening. If he’s a total schmuck with a scooped out tortoise shell for a brain, he’ll probably still know enough to act grateful in order to preserve his chances of getting laid ever again.

  In short, don’t worry too much about it. He’ll enjoy it, or pretend to, and everyone will go home happy, provided you have sex with him. If you’re still unsure, skip the trip and give him the never-fail gift of fellatio.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  I invited two guys - who often cancel plans at the last minute - to go to an event with me. Now they’re both planning to meet me there. Awkward city! What should I do?
- Two Popular

Dear Two Popular,
  The answer depends on the event in question. If it’s an evening of facial stabbings and light verbal abuse, and your dates are only attending to curry your favor, ditch whichever guy is less amusing and have a good time with the other one. If it’s a free money and snack food parade, and the ditchee is liable to show up without a date, you’ll have to stay home altogether, or run the risk of being the soy cheese in a vegan embarrassment sandwich.