Posts Tagged ‘first amendment’


What Bill Of Rights?

January 11th, 2006 by Oskar Kennedy

  Good news! Congress has decided to slay the trolls on your blog by making it a crime to annoy anyone on the Internet.

  And they only had to ignore that pesky freedom of speech to do it.

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Spam ≠ Free Speech

March 4th, 2008 by Oskar Kennedy

  The Virginia Supreme Court upheld the conviction of a notorious spammer under Virginia’s anti-spam law. A divided court said that spam isn’t protected speech under the First Amendment. Associated Press.

  Personally, I wouldn’t bet on this being the definitive word. The Supreme Court may not weigh in on this particular case, but it will likely have to rule on the issue some time in the near future. I lean toward the argument that spam is often fraudulent and causes economic harm, and spammers should be boiled in penis-enhancement cream. The debate is an interesting one, though.

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Links For Brains: 7/30/2008

July 30th, 2008 by Oskar Kennedy
  • Barney Frank and Ron Paul propose to limit enforcement of marijuana possession laws. (Frito-Lay stock triples. Phish announce reunion tour. World fails to end.)
  • Catholic clergy group demands reparation for abuse of communion wafer. (Informal game of “Count The First Amendment Mistakes” finds six. In other news, disputed cracker still compost.)
  • Texas high court balks at “chilling” religious freedom to conduct brutal exorcism rituals, throws out ruling in favor of victim. (Plaintiff appeals to Supreme Court. Blogger starts “Church of Everybody Has To Give Me a Dollar Or Get Stabbed.)
  • American Family Association “ramps up” its boycott of McDonald’s, citing donation to 2007 San Francisco Pride Parade. (“Literally hundreds of families have promised to stop making purchases at the stores.” McDonald’s fails to end.)
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Links For Brains: 10/16/2008

October 16th, 2008 by Oskar Kennedy
  • Lawsuit against god dismissed, because defendant doesn’t have an address. (How an omnipresent, omniscient entity can avoid service is beyond me.)
  • Texas Freedom Network starts an online petition drive to protect science education standards in the Lone Star State. (Is anyone else skeptical that they have standards left to protect?)
  • The Bush Department of Justice is prosecuting an Iowa man for owning naughty drawings. (Eagerly awaiting technology which will allow them to lock people up for thinking dirty thoughts.)
  • Supreme Court refuses to stop execution of Georgia man. (In 21st century America, executing an innocent man isn’t cruel or unusual. It’s a great time to be alive.)
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Sunday Soapbox: Look Out, Christmas

November 16th, 2008 by Oskar Kennedy

We’re coming for you. The constitutionally protected expression, by a minority of Americans, of our belief that people can be moral without the influence of a deity, is going to stomp all over your holiday. Forget the strength of your faith, your millions of practicing Christians, the ubiquitous decorations that go up in October, and the many billions of dollars spent annually on your totally sacred celebration. Some ads on bus shelters, and people who want their season’s greetings to be a little more inclusive, are going to take Christmas out into an alley, beat it until it cries for its mommy and leave it to die in a puddle of holly jolly blood and urine.

You know what I’m sick of? The war on Hanukkah. The Jews have been lighting candles on the 25th day of Kislev since some time in the Second Century BCE. Hanukkah is at least 500 years older than Christmas, which wasn’t scheduled for December until some time around 350 CE. 

Hanukkah also celebrates an event that (theoretically, at least) took place in the month in which it’s celebrated. Christmas is an overblown propaganda holiday, dated in order to help people forget about the old Roman gods, and ease their transition to worshipping the new Roman god. It was only stuck in December to replace the ancient Roman festivals celebrating the solstice.

Despite its seniority and authenticity, every year Hanukkah is trampled by the Christmas juggernaut. Radio stations start playing the same two-dozen Christmas songs 24 hours a day in October. Stores are decorated like a pine forest threw up a candy cane factory on the day after Halloween. If you’re lucky, one dusty corner or neglected aisle will have blue and white paper on the shelves, underneath sad, lopsided dreidels and slightly bent menorahs. (Interesting side note. The WordPress spellcheck doesn’t even recognize the word “dreidel.”)

Yet, because its monopoly on early winter celebration isn’t absolute, somehow Christmas is under assault. There’s a secret cabal of liberals, who apparently hate Christianity (and solvent retail stores) so much that they’re trying to get it banned. And convincing retailers to use “Happy Holidays” on their signage is the first step toward legal drugs and abortion on demand.

The war on Christmas is a fiction, created by conservative demagogues to sell books and create ratings. Nobody is trying to have Christmas banned. (Frankly, if we could legalize marijuana and protect reproductive rights, I’d put up with Christmas decorations all year round.)

Also, nobody is trying to stop you fom saying “Merry Christmas” to anyone and everyone. Say it to your friends, say it to your neighbors. Write in 20,000 volts worth of icicle lights on the side of your barn. Scrawl it in green magic marker on your bare bottom, and run naked through the mall until your bits are red and chafed. Nobody will care. You will not be shot, or imprisoned without trial, or even sent to bed without supper. You are not at war. The worst you’ll get is a “Happy Holidays” in return. (Except for that last one, which might get you arrested, or your picture posted on Fark.)

The next time you’re tempted to decry the “war” on your massive, culture-eating holiday, try to remember that there are people in the world who are actually at war. Any soldier on any battlefield would trade incoming ordinance for a non-specific holiday greeting in a heartbeat.

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