Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Where does the saying on the wagon come from?

- Middleton Construction

Dear Middleton,
  A little-known Sumerian text called Inkidinkidudipants, which loosely translates to “Up yours, Mesopotamia!” These ancient scrolls describe the creation of many things which later became indispensable to civilization, including both alcohol and wheeled carts. It also makes mention of a practice by Sumerian law enforcement officials, who would pull a large flat cart through the streets of the ancient Sumerian capital, rounding up citizens who had indulged in too much cheap, fermented cactus juice. As long as the offender was sober enough to climb in, he was allowed to clamber into the back of the cart and catch a ride home. If he was too blotto, the polizei would tie his wrists to the back of the cart and drag him to the edge of town to sober up under the blistering Sumerian sun.

with a question from a reader in Odessa, Ukraine.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  SORRY!I know English very BED!but - what is BASTARD??? - This is NAME?or other!???
OHAAI - this is STATE!???

BY!!!
- Platon Grant

Dear Platon Grant,
  Don’t worry about your “bed” English, Platon. You’re slightly more intelligible than your average teen l33t-5p34k moron. If it helps, you know far more of English than I know of Russian.

  In English, “bastard” is an old, insulting term for a person whose parents are not married. In modern America, children of unmarried parents have become more common and accepted, and the word has come to mean a person (usually male) who is rude or unfriendly. Add it to the list of nouns that have one meaning, but are also used to describe people you don’t like. “Dick,” “bitch,” “asshole” and “fucktard” are all examples.

  In my case, “bastard” is used in the second, less literal sense. My parents were, and are still, happily married. It’s almost creepy. When I call myself a “bastard,” I’m telling the world that I am a cranky, ill-tempered misanthrope. Also, “Little Bald Cock” sounded like the title of a bad, basement-made porn movie.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Dood srsly u suk!!1! soooo unfuny LOL!1!!
- ashk0r3

Attention all numbfuck, l33tsp34k douchebags,
  Wanking in chat rooms and knowing the first thing about coding does not make you a ninja. Real programmers (with real jobs) need to be able to communicate with their co-workers and superiors intelligibly, just like the rest of us. Get back to me when you manage to pass remedial English.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Why is douche such a funny word?
- jenny

Dear jenny,
  Douche is a great word. First off, it’s just fun to say. Douche, douche, douche, douche, douche. Like the best profanities, it’s a single syllable that’s easy to yell at the top of your lungs.

  Douche also has advantages over many of the traditional swear words. It fits into the “dirty” category of “things intended to go in a vagina” (see also: dildo) without the usual sexual connotation (see: dildo). As an insult, it carries the added bonus of association with the dreaded no-so-fresh feeling. When you call someone a douche, you’re impliedly telling them they deserved to be jammed in a skanky vagina, in a way that will be pleasurable for no one. It’s simultaneously skeevy and emasculating, like a crack whore who laughs at your teeny winky.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Why do people have to use silent letters? Seriously! They should just be eliminated.
- Fonetically Challenged

Dear Fonetically Challenged,
  Silent letters are artifacts from the slapped together, ad hoc conglomeration of words that is the English language. They are the linguistic equivalent of the appendix, glaring evidence that the language just sort of happened, without any conscious (or competent) guidance.

  Ditching silent letters would go a long way toward simplifying a notoriously difficult to learn language. Unfortunately, spelling nerds have opposed every effort. For those of us without any particular physical prowess or intellectual acumen, an obsession with perfect spelling gives us a rare opportunity to feel superior to more gifted individuals. We’re not about to give up our secret weapon.

The misuse of common phrases is something of a pet peeve. I had a friend in high school who, when choosing between two equally attractive alternatives, used to say that it was “six and a half dozen of the other.” I managed to graduate without punching him in the neck, but only because he had a car.

Lately, I’ve notice a lot of people using the phrase “flying under the radar screen.” They take a perfectly good metaphor, jam an unnecessary word up its snout, and render it nonsensical.

“Flying under the radar” works as a metaphor because of the way radar works. Radar systems emit radio or microwave radiation, and use the reflected waves to detect objects. Below a certain elevation, natural and artificial structures prevent the waves from getting to and from the radar. A savvy (and skilled) pilot can fly close enough to the ground that the radar signal can’t get from the emitter to the plane and back to the detector. Thus, “flying under the radar” is an effective way of saying that someone was operating undetected.

On the other hand, “flying under the radar SCREEN” doesn’t mean the same thing. Under the radar screen is a plastic or metal console, a lot of electronics and (probably) the legs of the person monitoring the radar signal. If you’ve flown under the radar screen, you’ve just crashed through the control tower, most likely killing yourself and anyone in the building. Does that sound like “undetected” to you?

Careful use of language allows you to make your point in a colorful and interesting way. Messing up a simple metaphor makes you sound stupid, and puts you on the list for a serious neck-punching. Unless you’re willing to drive me to the beach.