Posts Tagged ‘McCain’


My Racist Friend

September 4th, 2008 by Waldorf Van Buren

Recently I was shocked, appalled, and otherwise taken aback by comments from a friend. I’ve known this guy, whom I’ll call Richie, since Tenth grade, which is roughly twenty years. We were visiting the Ocean City (New Jersey) boardwalk and letting our collective kids (bunch of communist children) ride the rides in the swamp of germs and bullies. It wasn’t the actual visit or the rides or the communication during most of our visit that alarmed me, but a simple walk to the car to feed the meters for another fun hour.

While walking back with “Richie” and, uh, “Ken”, “Richie” started talking about politics. “Richie” is quite the typical redneck, softball playing, beer-swilling citizen of the town I grew up in, deep in the southern part of New Jersey (the other ass as I like to call it). He’s a proud Republican. Why? All the trite reasons – he thinks Democrats will raise his taxes, take away his guns, and let races other than white rule over his home. He used to be a gun owner until it was taken away by the police due to an illegal discharge. This was when he was a Police Officer, as well. He is also a Paramedic, who believes that “AIDS babies and Retards” should be killed, because they serve no purpose.

(more…)

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I have a vagina and I’m not afraid to use it

September 14th, 2008 by Waldorf Van Buren

It’s actually a puppet.

With my puppetry-powered vagina, I shall energize the base of Republican voters. They shall swoon and cry and see me as the second coming. They won’t need to know anything about me, except that I have a vagina and a strange accent.

With my puppetry-powered vagina, I shall condemn others, yet still play victim. I will claim conservatism, while opposing everything the word stands for.

With my puppetry-powered vagina, I shall fart out talking points distributed upon White House stationery.

With my puppetry-powered vagina, I shall deflect attention from the things that could lose the election for me (and that strange old man that gawks at my vagina-ness) – issues and substance.

All shall worship the puppetry-powered vagina. Only when it’s too late will you realize that my vagina is actually someone else’s penis, and that penis shall penetrate the anus of every American willfully with excessive force.

****

Can we stop helping her now?

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Kill This Trend: US Edition

September 16th, 2008 by Waldorf Van Buren

Some trends I find extremely annoying in our society and culture of mix-mosh…

  1. Old Republicans telling us what’s best for us: Stop telling everyone you are a conservative when you support such horrid deficit spending. Just shut up.
     
  2. Young Democrats telling us what’s best for us: Just shut up.
     
  3. Libertarians: Guys. Lighten up. Pricks like you claim the government will just fuck everything up, then you prove yourselves correct by electing a guy who, indeed, fucks everything up. You claim the free market will shake things out and resolve everything. Right. You make Feudal society look like Paradise. I have a hard time accepting that the free market (capitalism) will come to my aid (Police or Firemen) or prevent a corporation from raping a city, polluting its population, then moving to another country, leaving the former workers without health insurance, jobs, or self-esteem.
     
  4. Making celebrity from nothing at all: I’m talking about Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Survivor winners, reality show cretins, and Sarah Palin.
     
  5. Laws prohibiting Marijuana: Come on. 420! I don’t partake in the ganga…  anymore. Not since last century. It made me defensive and paranoid, though I suspect I’ve always been that way. I don’t know why Head Shops, Frito-Lay, and Philly Blunts don’t all thrown in to lobby to get this prohibition struck down. For more background, I’m against this prohibition and I am a cancer survivor(?) who isn’t able to partake because of shit in my lungs.
     
  6. Two party system: Just get rid of it. It’s old, tired, and way past its sell-by date. The clumps of sour, clotted milk take the form of politicians, and it takes a lot of study to see any difference between member of the two parties. A lot of people give Smokin’ Joe Lieberman a lot of heat for rim-jobbing, whoever he serves at the time. But while Joey strides the line as a “turncoat,” many of his current and former allies are just like him. They just prefer to have the happy little R or D by their names, probably because they have no opinions of their own.
     
  7. Pharmaceuticals: Can we stop with the drugs?! I take handfuls of drugs each day and I hate it! Each of these drugs has caused a slew of other side effects controlled by…  more drugs. Let’s wean ourselves off of the drug culture, because we are making ourselves mindless, dependent zombies.
     
  8. Oil, Gas, and Coal: Come on, already! End the run! It’s no longer cheap or efficient to use fossil fuels. Let’s find some alternative resources, because the truth is fossil fuels are not renewable and that means once they expire, they expire for good. Poking into the earth like an old, blind man at an orgy only provides a quick fix to the blind man. Overall, it will be pretty unsatisfying for everyone else.
     
  9. Global Warming “Skeptics”: Don’t give me the bullshit that you don’t “buy into the religion” of global Warming because one scientist had a datum error, Al Gore has a huge… electric bill, or that this August’s chill factor is proof that it doesn’t exist. Why so negative? It’s not like you, Joe Schmoe (of the Schenectady Schmoes), are directly benefiting from Global Warming (Atmospheric Cooling, Climate Change, etc.). In fact, I’m pretty sure the causes of this “supposed” Warming are also polluting the air you breathe, the water you drink, the earth you dig into, and the food you eat. Fire, however, seems unaffected.
     
  10. Unification of Church and State: If we meld church and state into one conglomerate, then God will be on our side. Not just any God, but God of America®.
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