Suburban Panic!

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Tales from The Blue Line

March 26th, 2007 by Oskar Kennedy

Spotted on the Blue Line on Friday afternoon: Blow-dried, hair-gelled preppy douchebag. Reading The Secret. With a highlighter.

In case you’ve missed the latest bee in Oprah’s metaphysical bonnet, The Secret is a new self-help book/DVD that purports to contain a “secret” that successful people have been keeping for years. Apparently, you can influence the Universe to give you literally anything you want, as long as you want it hard enough. This proposition is supported by a sprinkling of quotes from famously successful people, such as successful anti-semite Henry Ford, and the guy who “wrote” the Chicken Soup for The Soul books. Also, the pages have been weathered with highly sophisticated dyes, for that “ancient tome” look. Nothing says authenticity like artificially yellowed paper.

A typical scene from the DVD shows a little boy drawing a picture of a bike over and over again. This illustrates just how hard the boy wants that particular bike. Then, he opens his front door, and a smiling old man is standing there with the same exact bike the little boy drew, minus the shaky grasp of proportion and perspective in the crayon doodles. Curiously enough, the toothy gentleman (grandpa, molester, or both?) is absent from the drawings. I hope that doesn’t mean that every wish the Universe grants also comes with a complimentary smiling septuagenarian. You’d think there’d be a disclaimer about that.

The real secret, of course, is this. In addition to being another spoonful of the pseudo-inspirational pablum that Oprah force-feeds her viewers, The Secret is an absolutely perfect scam. Think about it. Tell the preppy douchebag that he can have anything his heart desires, as long as he just wants it fervently enough. If he gets what he wants, then it worked! High five! If his wish doesn’t come true, then it’s his fault. He obviously didn’t want it hard enough.

It’s classic. If you win, they win. If you lose, they still win, because they can blame you for your failure. You didn’t get that promotion? Your husband is still seeing that Brazilian hooker? Grandma’s still in that wheelchair, wearing those diapers? You didn’t get your crudely drawn crayon bike? Too bad! The system works. You just didn’t do it right.

Guess what? Life sometimes sucks, and no one every gets everything they want. The real secret is that there’s no psycho-babble trick to wring tasty treats out of the Universe. The Universe is not Domino’s Pizza; it doesn’t deliver. You’ll get what you want (or not) like the rest of us, through varying proportions of work and luck. If wishing super-hard for something really made it happen, your daughter’s room would be full of unicorn shit.

By the way, The Secret obviously isn’t working for Mr. Blow-dried, hair-gelled preppy douchebag. Under all that shellac, his hair is still thinning.

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└ Tags: books, oprah, Philly, scam, The Secret

Wish Hard For A Boyfriend With A Brain

March 26th, 2007 by Oskar Kennedy

Dear LBB,
My boyfriend has been reading “The Secret” — with a highlighter and taking notes! Is he trying to tell me something?
Thanks,
- Jen

Dear Jen,
Whether he’s trying to or not, you boyfriend is telling you that he’s a credulous, vacuous fucktard. Unless he’s a book reviewer, or he’s taking notes for an article debunking its obviously frivolous claims, your boyfriend is falling hard for the silly notion that the “Law of Attraction” will allow him to acquire things simply by thinking really hard about them.

You should ask him exactly what he’s trying to attract. If he’s wishing hard for the money to buy you a wedding ring, then he’s telling you he loves you. He’s a credulous, vacuous, romantic fucktard. If he wants the Universe to drop a busty blonde in his lap, then his motives are far more suspect. He’s a credulous, vacuous, unfaithful fucktard. Unless, of course, you’re the busty blonde he’s wishing for. In that case he’s a credulous, vacuous, horny fucktard.

In other news, I’ve discovered that it is impossible to overuse the word “fucktard.”

[x-posted from Ask The Little Bald Bastard]

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└ Tags: Ask LBB, books, romance, scam, stupid, The Secret

Audacity, Thy Name is Winfrey

April 15th, 2007 by Oskar Kennedy

Oprah has an appalling track record as the self-appointed caretaker of the nonfiction bestseller lists. She was suckered by revisionist “autobiographer” James Frey’s largely made-up memoir A Million Little Pieces. She’s the ringleader of a vast conspiracy which has convinced America that Dr. Phil is anything more than a self-important busybody. Recently, she’s been touting the psychobabble donkeypunch that is The Secret.

After this continued disservice to her audience and the reading public, it seems that Oprah is wrangling for a karmic comeback. The latest nonfiction nugget her “O”ness is touting is Scam-Proof Your Life: 377 Smart Ways to Protect You and Your Family from Rip-Offs, Bogus Deals, and Other Consumer Headaches, by consumer reporter and AARP columnist Sid Kirchheimer. As the title suggests, the book purports to help the average, non-media-empress-with-a-team-of-lawyers person recognize and avoid fraud and duplicity in his or her everyday life.

(Disclosure time; I haven’t read Scam-Proof Your Life, nor do I have plans to. If you want to squawk about that, you’re cordially invited to eat me. This isn’t a book review.)

The reviews I’ve read suggest that the author is knowledgeable and the book well-written and informative, which automatically sets Scam-Proof Your Life apart from the average Oprah-endorsed tome. It inevitably leads one – at least one as cynical and suspicious as myself – to wonder if Oprah isn’t subtly trying to atone for having lead her viewers astray so often. Minus an actual apology or acknowledgment of a mistake, of course. Like I said, subtly.

Of course, the really cynical take is likely the more realistic explanation. In that singularly gloomy worldview, Oprah doesn’t know or care that she’s continually lead her viewers into the wilderness of unabashed credulity. Rather, her feature of Scam-Proof is just a tip of the hat to the “fear sells” mantra that is a mainstay of political rhetoric. Convince people that the world is out to eat their children, and they’ll vote (or spend) for anything they think will keep them marginally safer.

If anything, Oprah’s probably patting herself on the back and, grudgingly, I’d have to say that she might even deserve some kudos. Instead of an irrational, local-news style “your dog’s poop may kill you” report, this book might actually have something substantive to contribute to protecting people from fraud. Hopefully, the second edition will have a chapter called “Talk Shows Aren’t A Good Place To Learn Important Life Lessons: Oprah, The Secret, and the Death of Rationality.” Or maybe something that isn’t so subtle.

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└ Tags: books, oprah, scam, The Secret

CNN.com: Late To The Party

June 26th, 2007 by Oskar Kennedy

CNN.com apparently just noticed that the author of The Secret is getting rich by preying on the fears and desires of the desperate, credulous masses. Seriously, CNN? I was griping about this back in March, and even then it wasn’t particularly breaking news. How are you just getting around to this now?

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└ Tags: books, CNN, news, scam, stupid, The Secret

Tales From The Blue Line

July 11th, 2007 by Oskar Kennedy

On my way home from work yesterday, I spotted a convergence of psychobabble chicanery that I’d previously seen only in unpleasant dreams. At one end of the car, a skinny, semi-professional looking blond woman reading The Secret. At the other end of the car, a rough, badly-used looking older gentleman cracking open a large envelope full of glossy Scientology paraphernalia. I swear I could see a fog bank of stupidity forming where their individual credulities converged.

I’m sure I’ve beaten you about the head quite enough with my outrage over The Secret, but I don’t think I’ve ever broached the subject of Hollywood’s favorite ~~cult~~ “religion.” (I don’t have a tag for it yet, and until I find an alternate reality where my memory isn’t so porous, I’ll have to trust the silicon overlord.)

I don’t have the energy to get into it here. The alien warlords and ghosts are almost too ridiculous to comprehend. However, I will make this (not at all insightful) observation; any “religion” that charges you money to learn their teachings is a fucking cult, regardless of what any number of brain-addled celebrities would like you to believe.

By the way, Scientology is also Hollywood’s most notoriously litigious ~~cult~~ “religion,” so I’ll be sure to post a link to my legal defense fund as soon as I receive the cease and desist letter.

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└ Tags: books, credulity, scam, Scientology, SEPTA, stupid, The Secret

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