Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  What’s your favorite deadly sin?

- Piz-ope Griz-egory

Dear P.G.,
  As far as I’m concerned, overuse of commas is far more heinous than a little sloth. If I had to pick, I’d go with lust. Don’t get me wrong, they’re all fun, but lust is the only one that could conceivably lead to a Bastard getting a little action. If pride or envy could get me laid, I might change my tune.

Dear LBB,

  I want to take my boyfriend to NYC for his birthday to see a Broadway musical called “Wicked,” based on the novel by Gregory Maguire.

  I am worried that he won’t like it. What if it sucks? What if he has a horrid birthday and it’s all my fault?

  What else could I get him? He is emphatically opposed to gift cards, but he likes books, DVDs, computer equipment, electronics… he is, however, an impulse buyer, and if there’s something he wants to buy, he tends to go get it himself shortly after it comes out! Oh, LBB, what’s a girl to do?????

Signed,

Bugged in Bucks County

Dear Bugged,

  As you know by now, I do not routinely counsel optimism. However, in this case, I believe things are going to be okay, for two reasons.

1) Wicked is basically a retelling of Frank Baum’s The Wizard of Oz, with the Wicked Witch of Some Direction or Other as the main character and narrator. It’s a musical, based on a book, based on another book, which has previously been adapted into what I believe is fair to call a fairly successful musical. In short, I think it’s likely to be pretty good, for a musical. If he likes the book, he should like the show.

2) If he’s a decent guy, he won’t complain about being taken to New York City for the evening. Hell, if he isn’t a decent guy, but he still has some kind of brain in his head, he’ll sit through the show and still not complain about being taken to New York City for the evening. If he’s a total schmuck with a scooped out tortoise shell for a brain, he’ll probably still know enough to act grateful in order to preserve his chances of getting laid ever again.

  In short, don’t worry too much about it. He’ll enjoy it, or pretend to, and everyone will go home happy, provided you have sex with him. If you’re still unsure, skip the trip and give him the never-fail gift of fellatio.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  I am a big fan of lingerie! However, my boyfriend says it’s a waste of time and money, because the whole point of it is to take it off. How do I get him to pay attention to me?
- Desperate for Attention and Nookie
Dear Desperate,
  If he’s so insistent on taking it off, then he must be showing you some sort of attention. It’s probably the man-on-top-get-it-over-with-quick kind of attention that the ladies so adore, but it’s attention nonetheless.
  A certified sex therapist would probably have all kinds of advice about communicating your needs effectively, and would offer strategies for obtaining satisfaction. Alas, I am not a certified anything, so I can only offer this perspective. Take full advantage of your power as a female. If your waste of man-bits isn’t knocking your boots to their full potential, ask yourself some questions.
1) Does he have some other fabulous qualities that make the physical deprivation worthwhile?
2) If you explained the situation to him, would he be willing to step up his efforts to fulfill you sexually?
3) Would he rather sex you up than watch wrestling?
4) Is he really straight?
  If the answer to any of these questions is no, think about moving on.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  What would you do if I was furiously fisting myself all the time?
- Cavernous Vag

Dear Cavernous Vag,
  I’d recommend a water-based lubricant. Preferably, something sold by the gallon and dispensed with a garden hose.

  I’d also suggest buying yourself a webcam. If you’re constantly elbow-deep in your own fun bits, it might be tough to keep a day job. Selling subscriptions to the live video feed of your arm disappearing into your distended pelvis might help you pay the bills.

Dear Little Bald Bastard,
  Over the course of your internet ramblings, what is the most bizarre web site you have ever seen?
- Ryoga M

Dear Ryoga M,
  When we’re children, we’re told constantly that each of us is a unique snowflake, utterly distinct from every other person on the planet. This is, of course, eight kinds of bullshit, just as mythical as the Tooth Fairy and your chances of becoming President.

  Like the spiteful kid on the playground who tells everyone else the truth about Santa, the Internet has exposed the absurdity of this bit of populist propaganda. Pick your favorite obscure band, your most embarrassing sexual proclivity, or your most outrageous conspiracy theory. Plug some related keywords into your favorite search engine, and you’ll discover hundreds, if not thousands, of kindred souls waiting to welcome you with open arms and, more often than not, a little bit of drooling.

  If you look, you’ll find flat-earth conspiracy buffs, sad sacks who can’t get off unless they’re dressed up like furry creatures, and people who think that Sting has been worth listening to since leaving The Police. Weirdos and cranks, obviously.

  I’ll spare you a laundry list of the strange, mostly sexual, oddities that are festering in the dim, damp corners of the web. If you want to immerse yourself in a thick stew of cephalophiles, sewage-huffers and body-modders, Warren Ellis and Ectoplasmosis are good places to start.

  The most appalling, unfathomable thing I’ve ever stumbled over online isn’t furries or scatplay or brimstone-breathing fundamentalists. There are communities of “bug chasers,” gay men who are sexually aroused by contracting sexually transmitted diseases in general, and HIV/AIDS in particular. They swap stories of how they were infected, set up parties where disease-free men can have unprotected sex with infected partners, and brag about “breeding” their diseases in unsuspecting hookups.

  The whole thing blows my mind so thoroughly that I can’t even wrap up with something pithy. Actively wanting to get a fatal disease is strange to the point of madness. Deliberately infecting others is beyond obscene.

  The silver lining to this corrosive, brain-soiling cloud is that the web also provides solidarity and community for rational people, who might feel like they’re all alone in decrying the superstitious nonsense that permeates society. There are opportunities to have meaningful discussions with skeptics and freethinkers from all over the world. If the creationists and true believers can do it, we can do it better. Thanks for the question.