Posts Tagged ‘stupid’


You know what’s awful?

October 29th, 2003 by Oskar Kennedy

  My birthday is tomorrow. For a moment, I honestly could not remember how old I’m going to be. I had to resort to the actual subtraction. This is a disturbing state of affairs, and I’m not sure if it’s attributable to honest absent-mindedness, or some kind of subconscious denial. Either way, it’s disconcerting.
  Thought for the day: Cellphones make us stupid. (Before you get all huffy, Huffy McHufferton, I said us. I too have one of these little demon boxes, and it’s slowly eroding my cognitive functions.)
  Now, stay with me here. This isn’t some kind of rant about how rude it is to sustain a cellphone conversation while conducting a retail transaction. That burns my ass, but that’s annoyance. No, I’m talking about a genuinely anxious feeling that overuse of a modern convenience is making me noticeably dumber.
  My basic fear is that having access to otherwise unavailable information is allowing people to cede reasoning in favor of instant communication. Consider this scenario. You go to the video store to rent a romantic comedy for your girlfriend, because you’re a sweet guy, who isn’t above doing a nice thing to increase your odds of nookie. You get to the store, and the movie that your snugglebunny wants to see has been rented to extinction. What do you do?
  Before the cellphone, you had to make a decision. You had to figure, based on your knowledge of your partner’s taste, the type of movie, the recognizable actors, the available titles, and how serious you were about that nookie, what movie to choose as an alternative. At the very least, you had to have planned ahead with a list of acceptable substitutes. Now, in the age of connectedness, you can just call home and ask. Ain’t nobody got to do any cogitatin’ at all.
  It’s the same thing at the grocery store. They don’t have regular Oreos? Don’t worry! You don’t have to sweat, wondering if Double Stuffs are a good go-to cookie. (Yes they are, FYI.) You can just call and ask! Did you get separated from your friends in line for the big music festival? Don’t bother trying to figure out where they’d be likely to congregate. Call and ask! Don’t surprise your roommate with an after-work snack that might not be her favorite. Call and ask! Don’t ever, ever make an independent judgement or decision without checking with someone first. Don’t bother to learn anyone’s tastes, or try to puzzle out what they’d do in your shoes. Don’t take responsibility for anything! CALL AND ASK! *pant pant pant*
  I’m sure this sounds like neo-Luddite nonsense, a badge of my advancing fogey-hood. I’ll admit, I’m not exactly riding the edge of the emerging technology curve. Hell, I didn’t send my first cellphone text message until last November. But I do use my cellphone, and it often is invaluable for making life more convenient, safer, and a little easier. Still, whenever I find myself calling instead of thinking, I can’t help but wonder if I’m surrendering a bit of my mental capacity in favor of the lazy brain’s information express.
  Hang on while I call and ask my girlfriend.

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This week, on Grad School 911…

January 6th, 2004 by Oskar Kennedy

DISPATCHER: Emergency Intellectual Services, what is the nature of your emergency?
OSKAR: I just said “badder!”
DISPATCHER: I’m sorry, sir, you said what?
OSKAR: ”Badder!” I said “badder!” Oh god, I think I’m going to be sick.
DISPATCHER: Are you currently doing any baking, sir?
OSKAR: No, not “batter.” I’m not making a fucking cake!
DISPATCHER: Just calm down, sir. Tell me what happened.
OSKAR: My girlfriend. I was talking to my girlfriend about how she was going to work later than she normally does.
DISPATCHER: Yes?
OSKAR: I was concerned about there being more traffic than normal. She usually goes to work early enough to miss rush hour, and I thought she might hit more traffic, leaving later like that.
DISPATCHER: You were trying to warn her?
OSKAR: Yes! Yes, and I said “I think the later traffic might be BADDER!” *sob*
DISPATCHER: Calm down sir. Did you realize your mistake at the time?
OSKAR: Jesus, yes. I tried to stop myself, and I even tried to stick a “worse” in there, but it was too late.
DISPATCHER: Did your girlfriend tease you, or make fun of you in any fashion?
OSKAR: Of course she did. And I deserved it.
DISPATCHER: You certainly did, sir. But it’s a good thing?
OSKAR: What?
DISPATCHER: Just tell her to keep mocking you. Your deep, abiding sense of shame should keep you from ever doing it again.
OSKAR: Really?
DISPATCHER: Yes sir. All you need is to be sufficiently humiliated. I’d suggest telling other people, so that they can make fun of you too.
OSKAR: You mean… you mean, I’m going to be okay?
DISPATCHER: I believe so, sir.
OSKAR: Oh, thank you. Thank you so much!
DISPATCHER: Just doing my job sir.
OSKAR: Still. Thank you.
DISPATCHER: Have a good day sir.
OSKAR: I will. You too. Thanks again.
DISPATCHER: No problem, sir.
*click*

DISPATCHER: ”Badder.” What an asshole.
*click*

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Fun with nomenclature. And, a rare, profanity-free entry.

January 9th, 2004 by Oskar Kennedy

Okay, I must admit to something. I am a grown man who, until yesterday, did not know that that the Pottery Barn does not in fact sell pottery. They are a furniture store. For upscale yuppies. Who knew? Everyone but me, apparently.

This begs a simple question. Why in the name of sweet, satisfying coffee ice cream would you name a store Pottery Barn, and then not sell crockery, or earthenware, or ceramics of some sort? It’s like naming a store “Denim Shack,” and then stocking the shelves with gardening tools or exotic fish.

Then again, Old Navy doesn’t sell used battleships. *sigh*

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Damn, it’s hard to be a geekster.

March 30th, 2005 by Oskar Kennedy

  Have they ever conclusively proved that role playing games make people do wacky things? For instance, stabbing three people to death. Can Dungeons & Dragons make you do that? The Montgomery County District Attorney seems to think it’s possible. Because it was a stabbing, you see, and there are swords in the game.
  By that logic, you shouldn’t let your children play Risk. If you do, it increases the chance that they’ll conquer Australia and the Phillipines, and then the rest of the world 30 years later.

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PBS & NPR on the chopping block.

June 16th, 2005 by Oskar Kennedy

  Congress just keeps on getting stupider. A House subcomittee has voted to eliminate federal funding for public broadcasting within two years. Read about it here, do something about it here.

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