Trying to hack out my first soda-free day went surprisingly well until the middle of the afternoon. I drank about 36 ounces of water, and only missed the sweet taste a little.

Okay, it was a lot. An awful lot, actually. No matter how many times you drink it, water doesn’t taste good. It just tastes like wet. I think I drank so much because I kept hoping that the next sip would be sweeter. It wasn’t.

Around 3 pm, things went rapidly south. I started to have trouble focusing on the screen in front of me. Blinking turned into several seconds of closing my eyes, and my head took on a definite downward trajectory.

I tried getting up and walking around, but it didn’t really help. There’s a limit to how vigorously one can exercise in an office suite shared with 20 other people. So, I gave up and shuffled over to the soda machine for a 12 ounce can of cola.

Even though I failed, I’m calling it a partial victory. I just about halved my average daily consumption, and didn’t actually fall asleep for more than a few seconds. These are the only marks in my win column, people. Let me enjoy my pathetic accomplishments.

After another not-so-hot night’s sleep, I once again gave in to the sweet siren song of soda. It was a fountain drink, so I loaded up on ice. I feel approximately 34% less guilty than I would have without ice.

This quick sketch sums up my day before that. Beware of impossibly exciting shenanigans.