In case the small army of volunteers wandering about the city haven’t made it out to your dank cave, today is the last day to register or update your voting records if you want to participate in the Pennsylvania presidential primary on April 22nd. This might not be terribly exciting for the Republicans, but Democrats should be peeing their pants in anticipation of the chance to cast a vote in a contested primary for the first time since Jesus created dinosaurs.

  Try not to let the fact that the Democratic nomination is going to be decided by the superdelegates dampen your spirits, guys.

  I find it absurdly fascinating that, in a close contest, where every single vote should theoretically be invaluable, the Democratic party has found a way to make individual voters irrelevant.

spread the panic!

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Poll after poll tells us that a good chunk of voters in this country are still “undecided.” To those of us who pay any attention to politics at all, the differences between the candidates seem to be eye-stabbingly huge. It’s hard to fathom how anyone could have a difficult time picking one or the other. If you’re one of those undecided voters, here are a few questions that might help direct your thoughts on your choice for president.

1. What’s your problem?
2. Are you now, or have you ever been, so high that you’ve eaten 83 cents worth of change from out of your sofa before realizing that it wasn’t old bits of corn chips?
3. Have you ever been diagnosed with a congenital brain defect?
4. If you don’t drink large quantities of alcohol for an entire day, do the shakes and hallucinations disable you for longer than a few hours?
5. Do you suffer from a clinical inability to distinguish between two things that are different in almost every meaningful way?
6. Are you an infant?
7. Seriously, though. What the hell is your problem?
8. If given a map and a flashlight, can you locate your own anus?
9. If you are able to pinpoint your anus, can you distinguish it from a hole in the ground?
10. Are you only able to choose because your head is jammed firmly into one of your options?
11. Are you so lonely and socially inept that you’ll pretend to be undecided, just so a telephone pollster will talk to you for a few minutes?
12. Are you just messin’ with me?
13. Your problem. What exactly is it?
14. Do you suffer from a crippling inability to defecate, combined with anxiety-induced paralysis that renders you unable to rise from the commode?
15. Would it help if I said you were the bestest, smartest voter ever, and your choice is right no matter who you pick?
16. OMG. WTF?
17. Does the “One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other” segment on Sesame Street leave you confused for days at a time?
18. Are you holding out for Spider-man as a viable third-party candidate?
19. Are you worried that a choice which seems so obvious might be a trap?
20. What is a suitable criminal penalty for a woman who chooses to terminate a rape-induced pregnancy? Should she go to jail, or would a fine be more appropriate?

Hopefully these questions will help you to organize your thoughts about the major party candidates, and break the log jam that seems to have accumulated in your brain. Remember, you can vote for whoever you want on November 4th. Even Spider-man. Unless you haven’t gotten around to registering. In that case you’re worthless, and should consider recycling yourself. Happy voting!

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Here’s the deal, conservative nutjobs. If you work soliciting voter registrations, most states have laws in place saying that you have to submit any regsitration that is given to you. If the registrant writes the name “Mickey Mouse” on the form, you can’t just throw it away. These laws prevent voter registration groups from, say, throwing out registrations that are marked “Republican.”

What this means is that ACORN is bound to turn in every registration it collects. They try to flag registrations they believe to be fraudulent, but they can’t catch them all. They do occasionally discover that one of their employees is deliberately forging registrations. Those people who do are fired, and the registrations they submit are scrutinized to flag the bad registrations for government regulators.

In the states that they’ve had problems, we’re talking about, at most, dozens of problematic registrations among the many, many thousands collected. They are NOT engaging in systematic fraud. And any fraud that is taking place will have no effect on actual voting. Registering under a false name, or registering multiple times, doesn’t allow a person to actually vote, unless that person takes the extraordinary step of getting multiple fake IDs. So far, there is not a whiff of a shred of a hint of evidence that anyone has actually done that.

In short, conservatives, just admit it. You don’t want poor people and minorities to vote. You’re afraid that they’ll vote with the party that bothers to pretend that it cares about their interests. It’s a natural fear. You don’t want people who will vote against you to vote. Nobody does! The difference is that your base voters, wealthy white folks, can afford to hire lawyers if somebody tries to disenfranchise them.

So stop picking on ACORN. And if you’re going to slander a non-profit group working to help poor people exercise the only power they have, at least have the guts to admit your real motive.

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