Posts Tagged ‘Waldorf Van Buren’


Big Announcement (1.4)

July 21st, 2008 by Oskar Kennedy

The Suburban Panic! hostel for the slightly deranged is happy to welcome another long-term guest. Waldorf Van Buren is an old friend and sometime artistic collaborator, as well as a contributor to a previous iteration of this website. He also has a paralyzing fear of llamas, which I can’t stop myself from bringing up every time I have to describe him to a third party.

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Make sure you pack a can opener.

Make sure you pack a can opener.

August 14th, 2008

I’d Like to Ruin Television for You: Oh Those Midseason Blues

August 25th, 2008 by Waldorf Van Buren

Talking about midseason shows and replacements on Network TV is a little like trying to channel a trendy Nostradamian figure while trying to stay away from the syrupy ickiness of an E! News (quite the contradiction) “host.” I will attempt to guide you through the muddle of Fall and into the “Shroud of Midseason.” While some networks have cemented schedules of certain shows that they KNOW will be coming back, there is also an unknown factor mixed with guesswork and a little transmutation, much like the wok of a crazed alchemist/psychic farting around with capacitors and transistors.

I am delaying. It’s true. I’m trying to find words that will soothe and make it all better. I want to apply a Band-Aid brand Band-Aid to the seeping wounds caused to our psyches by popular entertainment. I’m stumbling, I know, and I’m fishing for sharks in a pond with a piece of gum on frayed twine. I suppose I’ll start with the known quantities.

(more…)

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I’m Praying for YOU! (Part II)

August 27th, 2008 by Waldorf Van Buren

I’ve had a difficult relationship with religion, mainly with fundamentalists, for a very long time. I grew up in a nasty neighborhood. It still makes the news from time to time for shootings, stabbings, or homemade chemical bombs tossed on neighborhood porches. It also has a high incidence of cancer, most likely due to years of illegal dumping by the various industries. I like to call it Brownfield, USA, although that’s not what it’s usually called.

It was a tight-knit neighborhood. With commercial properties intermixed with residential, everything you needed was within walking distance, including a variety of churches. Some Sundays I would attend noon Mass at St. Mary the Whore Roman Catholic Church, and I was compelled to attend CCD on Tuesday evenings at the Whore’s namesake school until Confirmation at 8th grade, where I got to choose a new name. I went the conservative route and chose Matthew, but that’s for part III, if I write it. (more…)

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I owe you one dollar, Mr. Kennedy. . .

April 22nd, 2009 by Waldorf Van Buren

I was worried about not having anything to rail against or satirize or just openly mock after Obama was elected.  How wrong I was. It seems stupid is the new black. While I have been busy “working,” my mind has been stewing and mulling ideas about where to go to pick on the stupid, idiotic, and otherwise hurtful people of the world. It seems there are just too many to choose from.

So, now that the insanity of Teabagging Day has passed (I still can’t say it without chuckling), I present Waldorf’s Stupid of the Week Award. Yes, I know there is something grammatically wrong with “Stupid of the Week Award” and that is kind of the point. . .

For the week ending April 19th, 2009 –

I must, MUST give this award to the ten of tens of protesters with the “colorful” signs at the “protests,” ranging from the awful Photoshopped images of Obama’s head on Hitler’s body to the misspelled words scrawled out in black Sharpie on white posterboard. It’s obvious you’ve spent a lot of time (in between programming notes of Hannity, The O’Reilly Factor, and Glenn Beck’s Bat-shit Crazy America show) thinking about how repressed and under attack from the left and the government you are. Next time, however, I’d suggest doing just a little research from a “trusted” source, and I don’t mean the Free Republic.  In fact, I think you’d do yourself a great favor by picking up a dictionary.

No, scratch that, you are doing fine without any help.  Keep doing what you’re doing sunshine, you’ve shown us your true colors yet again.  As long as you stay committed enough to publicly display your craziness, yet lazy enough to not do anything else, you are doing your country a tremendous service by showing just how wrong the right has gone.

Congrats, teabaggers, you showed us that you already had your mouth stuffed with Sean Hannity’s balls.

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