Suburban Panic!

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June 24th, 2009

Comics

Internet Hiatus

Okay kids. Studying for the Pennsylvania Bar Exam, getting ready to move into a new apartment and helping to raise my infant daughter are kicking my ass. I’m sure that the lack of regular activity around here hasn’t escaped your notice. Based on the response to the few posts I have managed to cobble together, I don’t think anyone has been too devastated.

Given all that, I think it’s time to make it official. Suburban Panic and I are going on hiatus, at least until after I take the bar. And I’m doing it right, too. I’m uninstalling my Twitter client, ignoring Facebook and Livejournal, unsubscribing from most of my podcasts and purging all but the most vital channels from my feed reader. I may pop up once in awhile (here or on Mario Kart Wii-Fi), but only sporadically, and never for an extended period of time.

In the meantime, I’m keeping a small room open in the back of my brain, where I’ll be haphazardly storing ideas about what I’d like to do with the site once I’m not staring down the barrel of the most important test I’m ever likely to take. If you have suggestions for things you’d like to see, or things you’d claw your eyes out to avoid looking at, feel free to leave them in the comments. For urgent matters, I am available by email at oskar[at]suburbanpanic[dot]com.

See you in August.

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↓ Transcript

YOU'Re sAD because there's nothing HERE.

└ Tags: hiatus, site info

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panic time...

Realities 1:1 (The Real Story of Religion)

June 19th, 2009 by Oskar Kennedy

In the beginning was the Cause. And the Cause was without purpose or agency. And the Cause was neither Good nor Evil. Rather, it just Was. Immediately thereafter came the Effect. There was neither intention not design, yet the Effect followed inexorably and inevitably from the Cause, because that is How Things Work.

The Effect in turn became a cause, which begat another effect, which became a cause and begat another effect, and so on and so forth. A mind-boggling number of causes (and effects) came and went. Things continued along like this for an Exceedingly Long Time.

↓ Read the rest of this entry…

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└ Tags: action, cause, effect, reaction, religion, science

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While I’m Waiting for My Bar Lecture to Load

June 16th, 2009 by Oskar Kennedy

This is a collection of random thoughts. They’re both too short for a real post and too long for Twitter. Some of them might also be too big for me to devote the time to explore them thoroughly, but that would be admitting that I can’t do everything at once.

- The National Bone Marrow Donor Program is having a donor drive. Until June 22nd, they are covering the $100 cost to add new donors to the registry. It’s free, and the life you save could be Waldorf Van Buren’s.

- Suburban Panic supports the brave citizens campaigning for democracy in Iran. There were obviously some serious shenanigans going on with the vote counting. That said, we need to at least be prepared for the possibility that a legitimate recount will end with a numerical victory for Amhedinijad. I’m not saying that the ballots couldn’t have been stuffed as well, just that the issue might not be resolved by simply counting the votes.

- Even in cool weather, the combined body heat of two adults and one dog warms up our bedroom pretty quickly, and we wind up having to turn the air conditioner on at night. Why don’t we just open the windows? Because random people – sometimes gaggles of adolescents, sometimes adults on cellphones – often wander down our street shouting obscenities at odd hours. I am so looking forward to moving.

- The Comic Book Legal Defense Fund put out a call for volunteers during Wizard World Philadelphia. I should spend the weekend studying, but I sent them an email volunteering for Saturday. I haven’t heard from them yet, sadly. Here’s hoping they get back to me. Why no, I hadn’t thought about how awesome it would be for me, a recent law school graduate, to network with a group that assists with legal defense for comic book artists and writers. Why do you ask?

- There is a woman who rides around our neighborhood selling produce from her car. She announces her presence (and her wares) with a megaphone or loudspeaker of some sort. She has various seasonal specials, but she is always selling (in her apathetic, nasal monotone) “red ripe tomatoes, red ripe strawberries, red ripe bananas.” I am sorely tempted to flag her down and buy something, just so I can see what a red, ripe banana looks like. My feeling is that a banana that is one cannot be the other, unless something is very, very wrong, either with the fruit or your color vision.

- Wiley Drake is praying for the death of President Obama. I’ve said it before; Drake sincerely believes that his actions can cause the death of another human being. There’s a strong argument that he should be imprisoned for conspiracy to commit murder.

- My daughter’s pediatrician has been talking about a clicking sound in her left hip since she was born. After her two-month appointment, he sent us for an ultrasound. After the scan, the tech told us that the radiologist said everything was normal. At her four-month appointment, our pediatrician still hadn’t received the ultrasound report from the hospital. When he finally got a copy, it said that there was a minor, but clear, dysplasia in her hip. Isn’t ”dysplasia” intended to be specifically distinct from ”normal” I do not know in what universe these words are synonyms, but it must be a confusing place, populated by people with elaborate leg braces that they are forbidden to talk about.

- We went to an orthopedist today, who sent us back for another ultrasound. This time, when they used the word “normal,” we were able to follow up with the orthopedist, who presumably knows that dysplasia isn’t. We were assured that all is right with her hip, and given the green light to exhale. A follow-up x-ray will happen at six months, but nothing else is necessary. I suppose now is as good a time as any to admit that, if she had been required to wear a brace, I was planning to brag incessantly about my cyborg baby.

- My video lecture has loaded. Back into the study hole.

EDIT: Holy crap, the woman lecturing on essay writing looks like she’s about 17. Good advice, but MAN I feel ancient.

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└ Tags: Amhedinijad, banana, CBLDF, color, democracy, Emery Aurora, fraud, freedom, heat, hip, Iran, medicine, moving, normal, obscenities, produce, ripe, shenanigans, voting, weather, Wiley Drake

2 Comments

Links For Brains: 6/15/2009

June 15th, 2009 by Oskar Kennedy

U.S. flexes funding power to squash WHO report showing that we’re complete morons about drug use and prevention. (The correct spelling of ”prohibition” is S-T-U-P-I-D.)
Simon Singh, who knows something on the subject, on how UK libel laws are stifling science. (I think by “stifling” he meant “beating with a brick.”)
Remember the ozone hole? It’s still there, and it’s preventing the ocean from absorbing C02. (I expect that my childhood home in South Jersey will have an ocean view someday.)
Pastor Wiley Drake prays for his god to kill the President of the United States. (And atheists are immoral scum.)

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└ Tags: climate change, drugs, imprecatory prayer, law, libel, links, ozone hole, science, Simon Singh, UK, WHO, Wiley Drake

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Attention Livejournal Readers

June 11th, 2009 by Oskar Kennedy

This is just a note to let those of you who follow our Livejournal feed that we’re now offering a new option to get Suburban Panic content on LJ. The current syndication feed is okay, but it’s got some flaws that glare like George Hrab’s head. Posts only last a few weeks before they disappear into the ether; I often miss comments beause there’s no option to get email notice when you leave them.

In order to make your experience more friendly, I’ve retrained my old personal journal to mirror the website posts. The posts will stay there as long as Livejournal contines to exist (so we’ve got at least a week until the hamsters eat all the bubble gum and twine). And I’ll get emails when you leave a comment, so I can respond before senility sets in (again, you’ve probably got about a week).

Suburban Panic supports freedom of choice; you can stick with the syndicated feed, or add the new journal version to your friends list. (If you were already friends with lbbastard, you’re all set.) Either way, thanks for reading.

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└ Tags: change, feed, Livejournal

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Congratulations All Around

June 4th, 2009 by Oskar Kennedy

Congratulations to Suburban Panic contributor Foo-Foo McKinley. She’s been added to the roster of ass-kicking skeptical ladies over at Skepchick. I feel like a high school coach watching his star player get drafted to the major leagues. And I’d like to point out that I predicted this right from the beginning. Here’s hoping she doesn’t forget about us when she scores the winning run in the Super Bowl, or whatever.

In completely unrelated news, congrats also to Foo-Foo and her husband, who are expecting their first little “skepling” in January. While there’s no way it will be as cute as my daughter, I expect their child will come in a close second. And I’ve already reserved the right to do this to any ultrasound pictures they publish.

And finally, congratulations to regular commenter catgirl, who pointed out a distinction between the sincere deceit of religion and the knowing fraud of Scientology. In the process, she left our 1,000 (non-spam) comment. I know that celebrating big round numbers is entirely arbitrary, but something about all those zeroes makes me happy nonetheless. We’re trying to figure out a prize for her; if you have suggestions, you can leave them in the comments.

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└ Tags: arbitrary, blogging, comments, congratulations, pride, Skepchick

6 Comments

Links For Brains: 6/4/2009

June 4th, 2009 by Oskar Kennedy

Sign the petition at Sense About Science, and tell the UK not to let its libel laws quash scientific debate. (If you don’t sign, the terrorists chiropractors win.)
Teens and young women who attend religious schools have more abortions than their public school peers. (It’s good to know they’re exercising the rights they want to take away from everyone else.)
John Lynch agrees with “Intelligent” Design proponents, who point out that ID isn’t actually a new idea. (Revealing that they’re ignorant AND unoriginal.)
U.S. General who retired over Abu Ghraib calls for truth commission. (Fox News uses the word “traitor” to describe a 30 year Army veteran in 3… 2… 1… )

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└ Tags: abortion, Bush, intelligent design, Iraq, law, libel, science, Simon Singh, UK

2 Comments

Links For Brains: 6/01/2009

June 1st, 2009 by Oskar Kennedy

Americans United asks the IRS to review Liberty University’s tax-exempt status, after the school revokes funding for student Democratic group. (In other news, there are some college Democrats who clearly don’t understand irony.)
Lawsuit claiming that Scientologists are committing organized fraud in France will go to trial. (How do you say “duh” in French?)
A YouTube video of a “Young Conservative” rap anthem. (Presented without comment, because I can’t decide if it’s slightly flat satire or cluelessly sincere.)
Order a Galileoscope, and share the wonders of the cosmos with someone you love. (Now with 100% less excommunication and house arrest.)

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└ Tags: astronomy, conservative, France, Galileo, irony, IRS, law, lawsuit, LIberty University, rap, telescope, video

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Inflexibility As A Virtue

May 29th, 2009 by Oskar Kennedy

In his commencement address at my law school graduation, Rudy Giuliani gave us some warmed-over, motivational program bullshit about the qualities necessary to be a successful leader. The content was trite and unoriginal. The delivery was uneven and disjointed. My wife observed that it sounded like it was written in the car on the way from the airport.

In the middle of the six qualities*, (between 10 minute-long stories about how well these lessons served him on 9/11) Mr. Giuliani revealed that his hero is late President Ronald Reagan, because Reagan so fully embodied quality number three, Consistency. To illustrate his point, Mr. Giuliani spoke with reverence about how strongly Reagan stuck to his principles. Reagan believed in the same things, Giuliani effused, when he ran for governor of California, when he ran for President, and “until he slipped away into Alzheimer’s.” I very nearly choked on my tassel.

Let’s assume for a moment that Giuliani’s assertion is true. Ronald Reagan ran for governor in 1966, just four years after switching from the Democratic to the Republican Party. He died in 2004, but his disease had advanced to the point where he stopped appearing in public by 2001. So we’re talking about a span of 35 years, give or take. For three and a half decades, Reagan never changed his mind or his position on any major issue. He was a rock, immutable and unchanging.

How is this a good thing? Why is it good that the putative leader of the free world was unwilling or unable to change his mind in the face of circumstance or evidence? Are we really so weak, so longing for a baba and a diaper change, that we need our leaders to be eternal and unchanging rather than intelligent, thoughtful and open-minded?

In fact, Reagan’s presidency provides a perfect example of why unflinching devotion to unexamined principles is a terrible way to run a quilting club, let alone a superpower. HIV/AIDS was first recognized in the U.S. in 1981. It wasn’t until 1987, in the last year of his second term as President, that Reagan finally acknowledged the growing health crisis. Six years had passed, and 20,000 Americans had died. Reagan failed, or simply refused, to move past the notion, so popular in his party and his staff, that AIDS was God smiting sodomites.

Reagan was the proud and mighty tree, refusing to bend in the face of a storm of medical and scientific evidence. But instead of the tree getting torn out by the roots, thousands of people lived with an appalling social stigma, and died a horrible death. His “consistency” emboldened ignorance and homophobia, and encouraged the spread of the disease as surely as if he’d been flinging infected semen at passersby.

So thank you, Mr. Giuliani. Thank you for confirming that you prize certainty and self-assurance over intelligence and introspection. If being a leader really does require one to pick a set of principles and stick to them no matter what, then I’ll be applying for jobs as Henchman, Third Class. I may not have a lot of power or influence, but at least I’ll be allowed to change my mind more than twice in my life.

* At least, I think it was six. He said it was six, but I think he skipped from three to five, and then he said he had “one last point” about three times. Oh well, he thought he had six lessons, so I guess we’ll roll with that.

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└ Tags: consistency, Giuliani, graduation, law school, Ronald Reagan, speech

3 Comments

A Crash Course In Non-Equivalence

May 22nd, 2009 by Oskar Kennedy

I’d like to introduce you to our good friend the synonym. A synonym is a word that means something nearly the same as another word. For instance, take the word “prick.” It can mean an eensy-weensy stab wound, or a slang term for male genitalia. And “jerk,” which can mean an abrupt pulling motion, or a delicious way to prepare chicken. In the correct context, both of these words can mean something approximating “obnoxious asshole.” That meaning shared between the words makes them synonyms. (And they are both, in turn, synonymous with “Dick Cheney.”)*

Synonyms, used appropriately, can make writing more interesting by allowing a writer to express a concept in slightly different ways. Instead of saying that something is “good,” you can describe it as “wonderful,” splendid,” “awesome,” or “made of WIN.” Instead of “creationism,” you can call theology masquerading as science “intelligent design,” or “teaching the controversy.”

I’m flogging this fifth grade English lesson because of a comment PZ Myers made at the end of a recent post. He was writing about an investigation into awful, systematic abuses perpetrated by the Irish Catholic Church. After a quick rundown of the findings – sexual abuse, ritualized beatings and serial pedophiles protected from justice by the church – Myers asks a question that I wanted to expand on: ↓ Read the rest of this entry…

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└ Tags: abuse, awful, Catholic, horrible, Ireland, language, morality, P.Z. Myers, pedophelia, religion, sick, synonym, terrible, words

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Vaccination Celebration

May 11th, 2009 by Oskar Kennedy

Here’s an idea for countering the hysteria of anti-vaccination cranks, and (maybe) helping to alleviate some of the anxiety felt by parents and kids alike when it’s time to let someone jab a sharp, metal object into your defenseless child. Vaccination Day celebrations. Every time your child gets vaccinated, bake her a cake and invite some friends over to eat snacks and congratulate her.

Does that sound not entirely unreasonable to anyone else? It might not be terribly practical for the earliest shots. Your one-month-old won’t know what’s going on, and the purpose would largely be defeated if she catches a cold from one of your dirty friends. But for your older kid? Come on. What would she like more than a non-birthday excuse to get whacked out on sugary drinks and run around with her friends? (For diabetic children, replace “sugary drinks” with “healthy choices.”) And can you think of a better way to appease her after a painful trip to the doctor than with a party to celebrate her bravery?

Ask your grandparents about polio sometime. It was some scary shit.

I have even put my formidable genius to work thinking up games for your vaccine parties. I suggest ordering some Giant Microbes in the shapes of vaccine-preventable organisms. Your guests can play a version of Hot Potato, where they pass the cuddly bugs around instead of a tennis ball. If the music stops on a child who hasn’t been vaccinated against that particular illness, he has to pretend to be dead. If the “loser” has had the applicable shot, she gets to stay in the game. It’s fun, educational, and kind of morbid, like pretty much everything in Grimm’s Fairy Tales.

So come on, skeptical parents (and other rational relatives). The next time a young person that you care about goes to the doctor for a vaccination, consider inviting the herd over to raise a glass (of juice) to your collective immunity. Thanks to modern vaccines, the chances of your son or daughter reaching adulthood without being crippled or killed by illness is far lower than it was only a few generations ago. I can’t think of many better reasons to celebrate.

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└ Tags: celebration, hysteria, parenting, party, vaccination

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Internet Hiatus

Realities 1:1 (The Real Story of Religion)

While I’m Waiting for My Bar Lecture to Load

Links For Brains: 6/15/2009

Attention Livejournal Readers

Congratulations All Around

Links For Brains: 6/4/2009

Links For Brains: 6/01/2009

Inflexibility As A Virtue

A Crash Course In Non-Equivalence

Vaccination Celebration

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